25 Years of August
by backroad-eyes
Summary: August Valentine has been dragged through a traumatizing experience, pushing her to the brinks of insanity. When she is reunited with her old friend Noel will her unstable life change for the better or for the worse?
1. The Month

**I'm currently working on a Manson fic but I fancied a change for a bit, so have Noel Fielding instead. I am fully aware I do not own any of the real people in this story & I'm not really sure when it's set either... also barely anything that happens in this story is real, after all it is FICTION.  
It's kind of weird, I'm not sure where I'm going with it, but I do like the idea so yea, let me know what you think :)**

**Hope this goes well, feedback is nice :)**

* * *

**The Month**

August is a girl, not a month. Of course, originally August was a month, it comes after July and is sort of half way between the end of summer and the beginning of Autumn, but this story isn't about a month, it's about a girl, and her name is August. If she was a month, she'd be far from August, if anything she'd be November. She's contrary, a mess, she's all over the place, but on the other hand she's understandin' and beautiful and the most loving person I have ever come across. When you think of August, the month that is, you would think of long, calm days with warm evenings, nothing unpredictable, but when you think of November a whole hurricane of wind and sun and rain and frost whirl away in your mind, and that's exactly what you'd get if you met August Valentine. Some days you'll wake up and everything will be peachy, seemingly nothin' could bring her down, it's genius! The sun seems to shine out from her big green eyes and when she laughs it's like you can hear birds chirping away in the golden leaved trees. Sadly there are other days when you'll see her and she'll cry from dusk 'till dawn. She'll be angry and she'll smash everything in sight. She often reminds me of some kind of storm; howlin' and tearing away at anything in its path, drenching everything with distraught, raindrop-tears, or something deep and poetic like that.  
Anyway, August has been my best friend since we were nippers; we grew up together pretty much. We lived a couple of rows away from each other in Croydon and went to the same schools. At first she seemed like an average kid, well she was an average kid. It wasn't until we were about thirteen that I began to realize she 'ad changed. She was a bit… different to how I always remembered her to be. It was a gradual process though, I guess things like that are, but as we grew up she became, well, sad. She didn't smile much and she closed herself up and tied herself away like she was hiding something. The kids at school began to look at her weird, more so than usual. You see, the pair of us had always been slight social outcasts. If it wasn't for the fact that we got teased for being 'boyfriend and girlfriend' constantly, which we were most definitely not, it would be for reasons like when we were really young we liked to play stupid games that only we could take part in, games where everyone had transformed into giant, evil, pink turtles and we had to kill them with sticks because for some reason these giant turtles were allergic to wood. We also believed we had a magic power to see fairies and well, you get the drift, but August had begun to behave in an increasingly odd way, even by my standards. My mum would invite her round to stay at our house more and more and I would find myself never going to her place. I once asked her why we couldn't go back to her's but she got herself all moody and wouldn't talk for the rest of the day. She'd get like that a lot, all upset and bothered over what I thought was nothing, and I have to admit, I found it irritating, almost unbearable at some points, that was until I knew what was happening to her. That's when I realized that she was slowly but surely falling apart; disintegrating like damp paper between my fingers, there was nothing I could do to help her.

So, I suppose this is where we begin. We begin with August. August who is not a month but a young woman, a young woman of high complex. August Valentine, my exceptional, compulsive, spontaneous, suicidal best friend.


	2. The Notion

**This is going to get a little dark...**

* * *

******The Notion**

There are some days that you wish never happened. Days that you beg and plea to have been just some fucked up nightmare. Days that you want to wipe clean from your mind, you never want to be reminded of that day again in your life. Unfortunately, today was real. It was in-erasable, it stained my memory. Today I was told my best friend had been rushed into hospital as she had fallen into a coma. She had overdosed on drink and drugs, god knows what kind, and had then attempted to drown herself in the bath. That's August, the silly girl. I know she sounds like a selfish bitch from what I've just said, but believe me; she is far from anything ungracious.

If you're wonderin' who I am, I'm Noel, Noel Fielding and I'm a comedian. If you're now expecting me to tell you some glamorous encounter based entirely around as to 'ow I became famous then you're wrong, because even though that may probably be far higher spirited and happy and sparkly it really isn't at all as intriguing as my tale of August. Well, to tell ya' the truth, I 'aven't really made it yet, I almost 'ave though, me and my friend Julian and my mate Mark have a few gigs here and there, our producer is even thinkin' about doing a radio series, it's genius! And- no, I'm gettin' sidetracked now, back to what I was talkin' about, August is a shy character, a closed book. It took me, her best mate, years to get to the bottom of her troubles. She'd hate for everyone to know about her past. It would make her feel embarrassed and ashamed and her paranoia would inevitably destroy her once and for all. This is why what I'm about to tell you has got stay between you and me, it's a secret.

-Nine years previous, 12th November-

For as long as Noel had known August, her sister, Lily, had been mute. Lily was five years older than August. They both shared the same dark hair and ocean green eyes, although August's hair was shoulder length where as Lily's hair was past her waist and her eyes were considerably darker. Noel had been told that Lily had never spoken a word since the day she was born. She was intelligent, she could read and she could write, she could even draw. That's how she expressed herself, through her art. If one were to peak into the girl's room in a moment where she'd forgotten to close her door they would be faced by a wall smothered from top to bottom in drawings, paintings, sketches, everything she'd created since she was a child. It was similar to a time line, as if you could see her entire life story told through a pencil. It wasn't pretty.  
No one was ever allowed in Lily's room, ever. Lily seemed to be some sort of an obsessive compulsive type, a habit which would eventually rub off on her younger sister, and she hated the idea of anyone entering her private space. Her hair was always groomed and her hands always had to be clean, everything had to be clean. Her room was spotless. The windowsills free from dust and the bed sheets were never creased, it was immaculate, spare the shrine of disturbing art, which was something Noel knew he should have never found out.

It was a miserable rainy day in November, Noel remembered it to have been pouring all day long with no sign of quitting. Everyone rushed out of the school entrance at half three, desperately pulling their coats on and fussing to shoot their umbrellas up in attempt to avoid the weather. He and August hurried though the south London streets, cursing at her umbrella which failed to work. She gave up and swore, throwing the useless thing to the side of the road and pulled on Noel's arm to get him to walk faster. "Look my parents ain't in let's just go back to mine, it's closer." She shouted over the abundant patter of rain. "You sure?" Noel called back. "Yes it's fine." She pushed. "Only Lily will be there and she ain't gonna' say anything now, is she." Noel had barely been to August's house in three years and he still hadn't gotten to the bottom of exactly why. He knew it was something to do with her parents as he'd heard them argue badly a thousand times before and she'd tense up whenever they were mentioned. This was another thing Noel had failed to fathom the truth from; August's increasingly short tempered behavior. Over the course of three years she began laughing less but clenching her jaw and creasing her brow instead. She'd flip and get angry at the drop of a hat. When he'd ask her what the matter was she'd simply sigh and apologize, giving him some flimflam excuse which usually involved something to do with tiredness or hormones which was natural for a sixteen year old girl. That would shut Noel up immediately.

They finally made it back to August's house, a 1930's semi-detached building with brown, dirty bricks and shabby window panes and a flight of three concrete steps which lead up to the dark red front door. She rushed him inside before her and then kicked her boots off and proceeded to peel the soaked duffel coat from her body and hung it on the radiator. Noel followed suit with his denim jacket and hurried after August who had already disappeared up the rickety stairs and out of sight. He paused, his hand resting on the banister as he peered into the living room where the television drowned the noise of the rain from outside. He saw Lily sat on the couch with her knees pulled up to her chest, her eyes glued to the screen and her long hair pulled into a neat ponytail. She didn't notice him and he would have called to say hello but she was pre-occupied and he didn't want to disturb her because secretly she scared him.  
Once at the top of the stairs Noel was about to turn to August's room until he noticed the door to Lily's room was left shut to, leaving a crack where the dim light from her window leaked into the dark landing space. He frowned, knowing how much Lily hated leaving her door open so he went to shut it for her but found that his curiosity earned the better of him. He could still here the TV from downstairs meaning that Lily must have still been in the living room and August was out of sight. No one was around and Noel could feel his inquisitiveness growing stronger as he clutched the handle in his palm. He wanted to shut the door and join August in her room and listen to music or watch a film or something, anything rather than to enter that forbidden room, but on the odd occasion that Lily's door had been left open Noel had caught glimpses the sanctum of art work plastered against her wall. It intrigued him as he was fond of art, and the more he told himself he shouldn't, couldn't go into her room, the more his impulse forced him to. Noel pushed the door open and slowly stepped inside, but what he saw almost immediately made him wish he hadn't. The pieces of work Lily had stuck onto her wall were un-countable, so many that they were overlapping each other like a frantic ocean and there wasn't even any sign of the pale pink wallpaper that should have been left side of the wall was where it began. The work was noticeably basic and childlike, based around a girl which seemed to be Lily herself with crayon scribbled black hair and a red smile, nevertheless, somewhere closer to the right side of the wall everything got darker. The art steadily transformed from childish nonsense to beautifully drawn illustrations, yet they were morbid and quite frankly disturbing. It was like you could cut a line through the girl's life; on one side there was this happy, bubbly little infant who didn't speak but spoke to people through drawing herself playing with butterflies and kittens, and then there was this other person, a person who suddenly began to hate herself. A person who appeared to want to murder herself in many more ways than one. She drew herself with wrists covered in turbulent lacerates of blood, her neck swollen and hung from the ceiling, suffocated in an overflowing bath, so, so many that Noel couldn't concentrate on one for more than a second, not that he would want to. His mouth fell open slightly and he felt his already large eyes grow to the size of dinner plates. Shaking his head in awe, Noel turned on his heel to leave, but only found himself face to face with the last person he wanted to see right then, Lily. She stood with her arms at her sides, fists clenched into tight balls, her dark eyes wild and fury ridden, expressing far more than she could have ever shown with words.  
"Lily, ah." Noel muttered, running his hand through his rain dampened, disheveled brown hair. "Fuck." Was all he could manage to say before he sped past Lily and left her to wither in her own umbrage.  
He swung open the door to August's room where he found her prancing around to Nirvana in the dreaded crimson school uniform, the yellow and red striped tie hung idly around her neck and a giddy smile fused to her rosebud lips . "Where the hell 'ave you been?" She pried, still dancing. "Did you get stuck in the toilet? The lock can be a right little bugger sometimes, sorry about that."  
"Have you _been_ in your sister's room?" He demanded, ignoring her question and causing an abrupt stop to August's frolic. "What? Why? 'Ave you? Is that where you were?"  
"Yes! What the fuck is going on?"  
"Noel!" She yelled, exasperation filling her tone. "You know you're not meant to go in there! What the fuck were you thinkin'?" Noel looked at August as if she were mad and wrinkled his nose. "Sorry, am I the only one bothered about what's goin' on in there?" August let out a dismal sigh and turned her cassette player off. "Okay, yes, I 'ave." She flopped down onto her bed and motioned for Noel to join her. "We all 'ave. We're all fucking worried Noel of course we are." She sighed again and looked up at him. "But there's nothing we can do, is there. You know she used to see some counselor but what use is it when she don't even talk? She'll be fine she will, she's just... weird like that, there ain't anything we can do." Noel let out his breath, the realization of what was happening finally beginning to sink in. "August, is this what's been upsetting you for so long, and ya parents rowin' of course."  
"How do you know about my parents rowin'?" She asked. Noel paused before answering, making sure not to brake the fin ice he had suddenly found himself walking upon. "You know I've heard them before when I used to come round." He said. "I didn't say anything cos' I didn't know what _to_ say, but it doesn't matter, I'm ya best mate, you can talk to me about anything." August gave a weak smile and nodded. "I know Noel, I know, but this ain't really even half the story."  
"Okay, well, you know I'm 'ere if you ever need me." It would have been a lie to say that he wasn't freaked out, disturbed and now felt too awkward to even be in the same room as Lily ever again, but he loved August dearly and even though he really wasn't any good with words or advice, he had at last made progress in helping her. She smiled again and took his hands in hers. "I've always known that." August said, her voice suddenly nothing but a little louder than a whisper. There was silence for what seemed like hours but was probably no longer than a minute, the only sound was of the pair's steady breath as they sat on the bed together.  
"Y'know, you should dance to Nirvana more often." Noel suddenly chuckled. "I 'aven't seen you look so happy in ages."  
"Shove off." August laughed. "See, look you're smiling again, all cos' of Nirvana."  
"Nah it's you who makes me smile ya idiot." August beamed from ear to ear, the green of her orbs shone out and her wet tresses fell across her heart shaped face. "It's you." Her voice had fallen to a quiet hum again as her laugh began to die, but never her smile. She was beautiful, even Noel as her best friend could admit that. Then suddenly all he could think of was how much she meant to him. Abruptly he wrapped his arms around her narrow shoulders tightly and buried his face in her warm neck. "I never want to lose you." His words gushed before he could stop them, spilling from his mouth as irreversible idioms. He could almost feel her shock as it hung thick in the air along with his confusion toward his own actions, but to his surprise August settled against his slender frame after a minute or so, snaking her arms around his waste. "And you won't." She murmured softly against his skin. "Ever. I promise"

-Present day-

From that moment I found out I was in love with August Valentine. To be fair, I think I'd loved her for a long time before that, but when you're so young you don't really know what love is. You don't know what it is so you don't know how to except it. I know now I should have told her a lot sooner, but we were just kids for crying out loud, how are you meant to know what you're doing when you're at that age? I should have just told her there and then, maybe I could have saved her from a whole lot of trouble, maybe. She laughed at me on that day, said I was being stupid. I was being a right sop I s'pose, but if she could see what was going to happen to her then she wouldn't have laughed. She said I'd never lose her, fuck, she _promised _that I'd never lose her, so why has she done this? She was never one to brake her promises, even over stupid things like chocolate and pink evil turtles, so why is her mum crying into my chest and why are we standin' alone in some fucking hospital corridor? Why am I watching her through a window into a room that I'm not even allowed to go into? Why is she getting hooked up to all these machines to help her survive? It was only a few hours ago she was safe in my arms.  
Well, that's August for you I guess, the silly girl.


	3. The Truth

**Fuck this took ages! Major mental block, thank god I had Skins to inspire me.**

* * *

**The Truth**

-Nine years previous, 7th July-

It had been eight moths since Noel made the mistake of entering Lily's room. It had also been eight months since August finally offered Noel a snippet of what was going on inside her prison of a mind, a small snippet, but a snippet none the less which, at the time, made Noel feel slightly more helpful in the aid of his best friend. Still this did not mean that all problems were solved. Since finding redemption in Noel August did at rationed moments seem happier, higher spirited, but these moments only fell into a bias ratio with the occasions when she simply felt like hiding underneath her duvet in the early morning spew of light, sleeping forever. Her mind often remained an asylum and she became more and more a captive of her own thoughts and despite the incident of Lily's room, the outcome of said incident involving exchanged words and new growths of understandings, Noel's most incessant, secretly pleading, offers to support her in anyway and every way he could, were still rejected. During those eight months August of course would barely ever admit to her sorrowful frown and her nervously bitten lower lip, instead she would simply shrug it off if ever someone asked if she was okay, an act which Noel would have to follow. It hurt to be denied, especially by someone considered as an acutely close mate. It more than frequently caused him to feel frustrated of his friend's splenetic attitude toward everything and everyone when she refused to even give herself an excuse. At the dame time it made him sad as he knew that this girl wasn't the August he grew up with. It wasn't natural, she wasn't just some hormonal female with mood swings that could kill, this was something far, far deeper which was why Noel knew he could not remain with the feeling of resentment for long.  
The rare proof of August's deeply hidden root came when she would finally unravel the web of her secret life. It was so rare that if what August dared to reveal to him wasn't so heart shattering, Noel would have taken relish in such a time.  
It would come about, for instance, when it rained and the pair would sit in the school bike shed and share a fag from the pack Noel had nicked from the corner store. They would talk, joke and laugh, but then a comfortable silence would fall leaving them with nothing but the pitter patter of rain against the see through plastic bike shelter. This would be when everything came out, her reticent accounts becoming less of a secret. She'd stand in her wrongly worn uniform against the rusted metal bike hoops, arms crossed tight against her chest and the half burnt cigarette pressed between her nimble fingers. After a minute or so of silence between the two she'd suddenly blurt from nowhere that Lily had hammered a lock into her door and that she persisted in keeping the key with her at all times, making the very idea of an invader to in-bound on her cloister of a room unattainable. She wouldn't look at Noel whilst she spoke, instead she'd gaze away, dark, disheveled hair shielding her pale features as it descended from her hood clad head. Taking a drag from the cigarette she'd then mutter something about how her parents were failing to care for her sister's rapidly worrying behavior as they seemed far too concerned with their own arguments involving her father's deplorable drinking habits. At last given the chance, Noel would help, at least he would try to help despite his poor strength in knowing what to say. This was a conflicting problem; when the moment lastly dawned he would never know what to say. Noel wasn't complex. He was aware of this fact by a long shot. He was simple, easily amused. The only things he could find to strive into with depth were his passion for art and his ability to make people laugh, but this was no laughing matter. Noel felt weak when it came to emotions and talking problems through logically. There was no use, what could he say? The 'it's okay's' and the 'it'll get better, you know I'm always here's' would eventually wear thin. There wasn't anything else to say, of course Lily's behavior was concerning, even the thought of what went on behind her locked bedroom door made Noel anxious. Her parents on the other hand were a separate deal. Parents argue, everyone argues from time to time and if they didn't then life would be abnormally perfect. This is what Noel thought anyway. He had heard her mother and father argue multiple times in the past and it _was _bad, but nothing out of the ordinary. That was what he thought anyway, all until one humid evening in July, an evening which proved nothing other than the slow and painful deterioration of his best friend's world.

The day had been hot, too hot. The kind of hot which isn't enjoyable but unbearably sticky and irritating. The oppressive weather resulted in Noel and August passing out in a sweltry mess of drowsiness at four o'clock in the afternoon. It was the first time Noel had been to August's house since the incident of Lily's room had occurred. They were home alone, spare Lily who, as per usual, had shut herself away and out of sight for the entire day. These scarce affairs were the only circumstances of which August would allow herself permission to bring Noel, or anyone for that matter into her house. She knew that when her parents were out she would be safe. There would be no chance for rows, no broken glass, slamming of doors or awkward explanations left for her to provide, and knowing that her mother and father had ventured to the pub, an event which would always take up the entirety of the evening, she could finally relax.  
They lay sprawled out over August's bed which was barely big or strong enough to hold the both of them, but it was really too hot to care about that. An electric fan spun from the corner of the room, the cold air it produced rustled at the paper-posters of Placebo, Nirvana and various other bands which had been plastered against the bright pink walls. Still, the fan only gave the slightest relief against the heated temperature but there wasn't a thing anyone could be bothered to do about it.  
It must have been hours before they woke. _Bang, smash._ The heat had lowered considerably and it was dark, the sky had deepened from sapphire to a navy dusk blue blanket, the metallic of dotted stars scattered themselves across its magnificent surface. _Bang, crash._ It was the noise that woke them, followed by the horrendous tangle of yells and cries. Confused and torn form drowsy sleep, Noel couldn't make out exactly what was being said through his weary daze, but he knew it was bad. He squinted at August, his eyes still heavy and worn from his slumber. She stared back through wide eyes filled with shock and angst, eyes which could only confirm his worst fears for her; August's parents were back. They were home early from the pub, the continuous allocation from the bottom of the stairs demonstrated the reason must have fallen due to a drunken fight among the spouses, a fight which was unlike anything Noel had ever heard before. This wasn't just some average bickering between a middle aged couple, this was an abhorrent, terrifying war zone. The words directed to trough her husbands drunken mouth were too crude to repeat. They weren't even rowing and they weren't just shouting, they were _screaming_ at each other uncontrollably, especially who was usually a respectable man in the eye of a public audience but now he sounded like a rabid animal. Another smash echoed throughout the house quickly followed by the slam of a door and the sound of frenzied sobbing, a sound which was enough for Noel to snap himself from his distressed state of awe. He had to pull himself together. Having no clue on what to do, holding no plan on how to commence from the condition he had oh so suddenly found himself in, Noel had to act upon the first plan which spring into his head. He grabbed August by her trembling hands and pulled her up. Her cheeks were flushed with dismay and her rosy lips lay open as if she wanted to speak but felt unsure on precisely what to say in such a mortifying situation. "Don't say anything." He said firmly with a sudden state of heroic battlement, as if he were able to read into her very thoughts. "We're leaving, now."

Noel glared at his reflection through the average sized mirror in front him. It hung above the bathroom sink which he now had found himself leaning his shallow weight against. His scant fingers gripped at the gleaming white porcelain with more might than he thought his entire body owned as he burnt his vexed eyes into the mirror. A skinny sixteen year old with messy hair, a pointed face and a flat bridged nose stared back through big blue orbs. Noel was angry. Not just irritated or marginally annoyed, he was mind blowingly angry, an uncommon emotion for the mild mannered boy to endure, yet he was in fact angry. He was angry at himself for something had happened that night which flung his reception of being a decent friend into a very murky darkness. August's life was in pieces. No wonder she acted like a miserable twat all of the time if _that_ was what she had to put up with. He was more than sure that her sister was on the verge of a mental break down, her father obviously had a severe problem with alcohol intake, her mother was useless and _he_ was supposed her best friend but had unprovided dismally. He was supposed to be there for her yet he had been completely oblivious to the monstrosity of what was going on even when it was right under his nose. He thought he had helped, well he thought he had done the best he could do to help at the helm of his lack with words, but the harsh reality was was that he hadn't helped at all, he'd done nothing, really. He had failed. Gripping the porcelain even tighter, Noel let out an exasperated sigh in attempt to calm himself and threw his head back to the ceiling. Through the corner of his eye the bathroom door began to beckon his attention and, knowing that he would have to stop being so selfish and see to August at some point, went to unlock the door.  
At the bottom of the stairs Noel found his younger brother perched on the edge of the bottom step, smothered in Spiderman pyjamas with his small fists clasped around the cream glossed banister panels, naive face pressed through the space in-between. "Why's August 'ere?" The eight year old lisped, eyes fixed on the darkened living room of the Fielding house hold. "None'a your business, Mike." Noel replied, his anger till tainting his voice.  
"Does Mum and Dad know she's 'ere?" Micheal pressed, seemingly unfazed by his elder brother's scolding tone as his gaze remained on the room across from the hallway. "Of course they don't it's one in the morning but they ain't gonna' care now are they, get back to sleep Mike, it's late."  
"Fine." He huffed before shuffling back up the stairs, deliberately scuffing his heals against the carpet in dramatic-tantrum strides to show his annoyance at being sent back to bed. Noel rolled his eyes and walked into the living room where the only foundation of light spilled from the street lamp outside and into the otherwise dull room. He looked at the sight in front of him and if it wasn't for the dejected look on August's face then he would have smiled. In the centre of the room stood the small fort they had set up after first arrived at his home that evening. It was made from mainly duvet sheets and sofa rugs draped across various pieces of furniture, including the sofa, to make a den. It was something they used to do when they were children, usually following along the lines of having to make a giant castle to hide from monsters such as the evil pink turtles, or something like that, where as in the world separate from their young and frenzied imaginations the castle was nothing more than a lumpy cave of blankets, the monsters a mere fiction. Present day and the demons were real for August, Noel could see that now. He could see that she was struggling, more so than he originally suspected. She wasn't five years old anymore and she could no longer hide from the monsters behind a silly little fort no matter how much she wished she could. Noel knew this, after many years he finally understood. He knew that she wasn't as brave as she liked to believe and unfortunately her slight delusion upon her own strength had left her alone and vulnerable. If there was anything he could do now then it was to make sure that she no longer had to hide or fight by herself ever again. He sounded pathetically cliched and overly insipid and he grimaced at how sentimental the girl could cause his otherwise almost trivial self to be, yet at the same time Noel knew he had no choice, there was a lot of lost time to make up for.

Laying in the calm lull of reticence was something August felt more than thankful for. That's all she needed after the startling fright back at her house and the hasty flee to Noel's. A halcyon, noiseless density with a dimly lit space to sooth her swollen and tear filled eyes was all that she needed, so she kept telling herself. Nothing more, nothing less than a few minutes to recollect her mind. She lay next to Noel in the fort, not close enough to touch but close enough to hear his steady breath and to smell whatever hair product he had decided to use that day. It was comforting enough just to have him near to her, no words, just the comfort of his presence. The truth was August needed Noel more than she could admit, yet somehow the notion to push everyone away in a time of solitude seemed scarily easy. Somewhere in the muddle of her mind August had grown to believe that the only way to forget her terrible reality was to escape it, to lie and pretend that everything was okay. Back in her thirteen years of age she believed that if everyone else thought she was fine then she would in fact be okay. The idea seemed definitely better than everyone knowing her business and constantly prying and gossiping about her fucked up sister and her dysfunctional parents, she just wanted to forget. So, the habit stuck and she eventually taught herself to play her acting cards well, so well that not a single person outside of her family questioned a thing. Not a single soul, apart from Noel. He knew her better than that. He had spent fourteen years of his life with her. Even though he was no good in knowing what to say, Noel knew that this impermeable shell of a person was false.  
August sighed and turned, shuffling around through the blankets and pillows surrounding their little area in the fort. Somehow she still felt like a five year old again in the den, safe and protected by a simple shield of duvet sheets. Regardless of her sixteen years of age nothing seemed harmful when she was there with her best friend, tucked away and out of site from the real world. She stared at Noel through the dark, the pale beryl of his irises immediately met her gaze and locked. It was she who first broke her needed silence, her vapid voice fell dry as their eyes continued to linger. "I'm sorry."  
"Don't be." August knew that her time was up and it was only fair to explain herself now, she had left her friend in agonizing question for far too long. It was then where she would ultimately disclose absolutely everything. Her theory of false pretense, how the whole ordeal had caught itself up within her and how she had almost made herself believe that her life was normal and that she was happy, but never enough to truly forget the foibles which lurked in her home. She would unravel that because of this constant subliminal reminder she had eventually slipped into a dull rhythm of hopeless and irrational behavior. Noel would listen more attentively than he thought procurable, taking in every little detail of the reasoning he had been so desperate to hear. He would understand everything which had once been so distant, now finally and fully. Then when he witnessed her tears for the first time in years he'd lace his slender arms around her waist, the fragility of her frame would press against his own so close that he swore they would soon mold into one. She'd cry openly, raw and tender into his neck, one of the first absolute actions supplied from her in an eternity. As if on queue Noel would doubtlessly know what to say, his words of nourish would at last spill and flow like it was a natural act for him, which he then realized it was. This was right, this was how it was supposed to be all along, this was what best friends were pinned to do. He'd run his hands up her spine and push his fingertips into her thick hair, pulling her even closer as if it were possible and before long her sobs would begin to ease. August would then promise Noel that whenever she felt alone or scared she'd come to him, she would never hide again. He'd swear that if ever she needed him then he would be there, rain or shine. Even if that meant either of them running through the frozen winter streets of London to find each other then they would, no matter what, which is exactly what would happen around five months later.


	4. The Final Straw

**Thank you so much to the people who are reading this, it really does mean a lot :) **

* * *

**The Final Straw **

-Eight years previous, 25th December-

Noel couldn't imagine another Christmas to be so absolutely horrific for the rest of his life. Maybe it was because he had fallen so overwhelmed by shock or perhaps it was because he often felt more for his best friend than he did for himself, because Noel couldn't possibly foresee anything else to be so disgustingly tragic. Still, it wasn't like he didn't see it coming. It was more than obvious it would happen eventually, at the back of everyone's mind they knew it would, they just didn't know what to do about it. However no one would have predicted it to happen on the Christmas holiday. Of all the days for something as terrible as this to arise, fate chose a very cruel and despondent path.

It had been like any other Christmas day to begin with, perhaps a little more cold than usual as a thick layer of crisp snow blanketed the entirety of London. As per every year most people entwined themselves with family and festive food, cheesy television and presents, the odd awkward gift followed by a forced smile and thank you whilst blissful children would appreciate anything with great delight. Everyone would shut themselves off from the real world, just for the day. The usually busy streets would fall empty and the glistening snow would remain virgin leaving everywhere the perfect image of a winter fairy-tale city.  
It was around half past eleven, as Noel could recall. His parents were slouched into the sofa and merry on wine. They were watching some comedy program on the TV, the canned laughter mixing with the sound of Chris de Burgh's _Lady In Red_ playing from the living room stereo. Noel and Micheal had not long stopped making fun of their father for his undeniable resemblance to the bushy eyebrowed, Argentine born singer, hence the choice of music. Now the energy had faded and the air hung heavy with a pleasant Christmas tire. Mike was sprawled out on the carpet, surrounded by wrapping paper and fast asleep, thumb pressed tightly between his lips. His parents were still awake but Noel could tell they'd soon be passed out in their drunken spirit after the busy day and the annual party they'd held the previous night. Noel smiled to himself, it had been a good day. In fact it had been a good passing of months. It had been over a year since the incident of Lily's room and now at long last August was in tune with him. After so many speculations and anguish there was now no more need to worry. Noel knew that August had learnt to run to his amenity whenever she needed help, which was more than regular, but Noel didn't care. He had re-found his best friend. No matter how weak and damaged she had become August was herself again and, to him, stronger than he could ask for.  
However glad Noel was that August had unlocked herself for him it still ached to see her hurt so, but at least it meant she no longer had to suffer alone. Noel thought he'd seen and heard it all, every dread filled encounter and every heart wrenching sob. He couldn't envision anymore trauma being held by such a fragile girl, that was until he found her on his frozen doorstep, crying for his touch. The skin on her mascara streaked cheeks graced almost as white as the snowflakes which had collected in her mane of dark waves. Her pale lips were trembling, not only because of the icy raw winter but also because she was weeping in pure desperation. She stood wearing only her pyjamas in the falling snow, tiny arms wrapped stiff around her stiffened body and flooded orbs portraying more abjection and panic than Noel thought feasible.  
"Who's that at the door, darlin'? It's late!" His mother's addled tone called from the living room. "It's August, mum." Noel replied, eyeing his friend with uncertainty. "Oh! Well bring her in then, she can 'ave some wine!"

"Yea, maybe later." He said and quickly came to his senses, pulling August out from the cold. "It's freezin' out there, what are you doin' ya' daft girl?" Noel cupped her face in his palms in order to keep her watering eye's contact, her small hands clasped around his wrists as he held her. "I, I don't know what..." She stammered. "I didn't know where else to-to go."  
"It's fine, okay? Just calm down and talk to me, yea?" August suddenly flicked her gaze to the warmth of Noel's living room where his family were embracing the last moments of Christmas day. "Shit." She gasped and pulled herself from his hold. "I'm sorry, Noel, I shouldn't 'ave come, not today anyway, I, I'm sorry you don't need this, I mean, you-you don't need to hear this right now. I'll, urm, I'll come back tomorrow or something..."  
"Don't be a twat." Noel grabbed her as she tried to make back for the front door. "Look at you, you're shakin', you're cryin'." He lowered his voice so not to draw attention to themselves. "Wha'appened, August?" She said nothing but slipped further into her hysteric state of tears. Already used to such behavior Noel sighed and weaved his hand with August's before leading her up the stairs. "Come on, let's find you some clothes."

x

Death is a peculiar word. That's all it is really, a word. No one knows exactly what death is, it could be anything, it could be nothing. Death is unknown, desolate, nimble, numb. Death is empty, a hollow threat yet it holds the power to quiver the bones of even a giant, to cause fear, tears and sadness yet it can also create a desperate hope for something better, a last resort, an escape. That was how Lily Valentine saw death, that was why she decided to take her own life.

August didn't even know exactly how her sister went about her suicide, all she knew was that it had happened. She didn't wait to see her body or stay for her mother's cries, she simply couldn't bear it, so she ran. It had been enough to endure her father's drunken antics all day. The only reason August dared to show her face was for her mother's sake as she had managed to cook the Christmas dinner, even though the turkey was burnt and cold. August couldn't expect any more, every year had been the same since she was thirteen; her father intoxicated beyond control and her mother trying her best to hold it together for the day, there was never an exception. Lily had stayed locked in her room, that was something which had been the same since August could remember, again, no exception. It wasn't until her father fell drunkenly and broke though the lock on Lily's door that they found her, the blood drained through her wrist. There was an oddly sudden silence from her father and then her mother screamed, recklessly distraught and panic-stricken. There wasn't a need for words or explanations, August just knew what Lily had done, and that was when she ran. She had no care for how late at night it was or that the air outside was below frigid and caked with snow. She didn't even notice how cold her skin felt after she stumbled into the street dressed in only her night clothes or how her feet turned numb as she fled across the crystal frozen pavement. She couldn't stay in that house, she merely could not face what had happened. It was selfish and she knew it, after everything she had already put up with one would have thought that she'd be strong enough to cope with the final straw, but she couldn't. All August could think about was Noel and how much she needed to be with him, to have him hold her, to let him promise everything would be okay despite her knowing full well that it would never be okay again.

"I can't believe she's actually gone." August's voice rasped through the darkness of Noel's bedroom. "I can't believe she actually went through with it." In contempt of his own shock Noel had managed to calm August from her delirious frenzy to a detached but composed putty in his arms. "I know." He breathed into her hair and pulled her closer underneath his duvet. "I don't even know why I'm so surprised." She sniffed and tightened her grip around Noel's waist. "We all saw those drawings of what she wanted to do to herself, we just didn't try 'ard enough to help her." Noel sighed. "August, there was nothing you could do, a'right? You all did try to get her help, didn't you, but..." He swallowed, thinking cautiously about his next words. "But some people are just beyond help, I s'pose."  
"I guess." She muttered into his chest." "I just wish, I dunno', I just wish I knew her better, she never even spoke, Noel, I didn't even know my own sister, not really." He could hear the quiver return to her already faint voice as she spoke. He wanted to silence her, he could almost physically feel her pain and it was agonizing, but Noel knew that she needed to relate to him, and who was he to deny her that security? He had promised that he'd always be there for her, no matter what.  
"So I don't know why I'm sad, really, it weren't like we were ever close, we couldn't be."  
"Don't be silly." Noel pressed his thumb under her chin and pulled her face up, forcing her to look at him. "She was still your sister, of course you're gonna' be like this, anyone would be." He assured her, running his fingertips over the porcelain silk of her cheek. "I can't even think 'bout how I would feel if I lost Mike, even if he didn't talk, he'd still be my brother, wouldn't he." August nodded. Her eyes had begun to swell with tears again but she didn't once break the contact with Noel's own orbs. He peered back into the ocean green of her irises, immediately becoming lost in the sea of her emerald waves.  
"I love you." August whispered. Noel blinked and stared down at his friend, confused and unsure of the statement she had suddenly declared. It wasn't until then did he realize how close in contact they were. Limbs entwined and bodies pressed close together in the warmth of his bed, lips close enough to kiss. It would have been so easy to brush his mouth against hers, to feel the plush of her tongue coiled with his own. So easy to ruin everything he had built with her. Noel shook his head and shooed away any untoward thoughts he had previously held for her. August was beautiful, brave and overall amazing, he would have been an idiot to believe that someone as perfect as her could ever love him in anyway more than a friend would. He bit his lip and cradled August's head back into his chest in order to shield her from his self centered disappointment.  
"I love you too, August."


	5. The Dark Paradise

**The 1975 - Antichrist **

* * *

**The Dark Paradise **

_I swear there's a ghost on this island, and his hands all covered in blood. _

-Eight years previous, 4th January -

If he had been given a choice to be there, he wouldn't have gone. Or would he? He wasn't sure. He hated funerals, but then again there wasn't anyone who actually liked funerals unless they were wrong in the head. Noel glanced around from where he was sat at the front of the small church and noticed that after half an hour there were still only a scarce amount of people. The few that had turned up for Lily Valentine's funeral service were dressed in black and either held an expression of woe, awkwardness, or both. Noel wondered how many of these people were family or friends. He suspected family as he couldn't imagine how someone would go about being friends with a person who didn't speak, or how anyone could truly mourn for a person who they never even held a conversation with. Perhaps that was why they felt awkward. Noel shifted slightly in his place, the hard of the cold wooden pew beneath him making his situation all the more uncomfortable. It wasn't like he didn't _want_ to be there, exactly. It was just the fact that he wasn't family, like most of the little gathering of people seemed to be, and he felt out of place, but August had asked him to come. Although she had assured him that he didn't have to attend if he didn't want to, Noel knew that he couldn't say no. He had been through everything with her so far and there wasn't a way on earth he'd leave her now.  
Through the corner of his eye Noel saw August sat next to him, her skin even more pale than usual and her hands clasped around her mother's, equally pale. Her father's face was worn, ragged and puffy. Noel wasn't sure if this was due to depression, lack of sleep or alcohol abuse. He eventually came to the conclusion that it was most likely to be because of all three reasons. As much as Noel fell unkeen upon their behavior over the recent years, he couldn't help but feel sorrow for August's parents. They had just lost their eldest daughter. In his eyes Lily had been just as or maybe even more selfish than her mother and father. He couldn't begin to imagine how horrendous one must have to feel in order to take their own life but to put their own family through such dreadful suffering was unforgivable. He guessed that suicide was an experience someone would have to endure first hand to fully comprehend.

"Sister, we've been there through life's sorrow and pain, but together we have always endured the strain." August spoke aloud, her sound surprisingly calm, numb. "We've argued and bickered and made each other mad, but if you weren't my sister, life would be so sad." She stood in front of the funeral party in the bleak air of the church, the black material of her dress hung from her tiny frame, almost matching the dark of her ebony waves, delicate fingers clasping at the paper in her grasp. "We've cried 'till we laughed and laughed 'till we cried, sometimes for no reason, we didn't even know why. When we're not together our bond is just as strong because we are sisters, we know when somethin' is wrong. We've whispered our deepest secrets only sisters could share..." She paused for a moment and cocked her head, reading through the rest of the words on her paper with contemplation. "I love my sister dearly because she really cares. So whether we are together or we are far apart, Lily, you're my sister, my friend and forever in my heart." There was a dense silence as August folded up the paper in her small hands, shaking her head. "I didn't really know what to say, so I just found a poem about sisters in a book." She admitted, a sad smile playing her lips. "Well, it's pretty obvious I didn't write that poem, eh?" She shrugged, still nervously folding the paper into impossible folds. "Because, as you all must know, Lily didn't, urm, she didn't talk. We don't know why, she just didn't." August looked up, her bright eyes strong and stable. Noel knew that she had cried enough over the past week and now she was determined to make it through her sister's funeral dry eyed; to cry in front of everyone would be something she considered as weak, something she would never let happen. "And, 'cos she never spoke, this poem is, well, it's irrelevant, really." Noel watched as she continued to toy with the crumpled parchment, knowing all along that beneath her tenacious shell lay a confused and broken little girl, a shell that only he could see beneath. "So, I didn't know what to say before, but as I was readin' this poem I realized a few things. My sister was mute, so we could never 'ave had a normal relationship. We never told each other anything or laughed together like this poem says, and I wish that we could 'ave done all those happy things, but at the same time we never argued or anythin' like that so I guess in some ways things could 'ave been worse. I was always jealous of my sister, actually." She laughed a little at this, the first time Noel had heard her laugh since Lily's death on Christmas day. "My sister looked like a model. She was thin and she 'ad these cheekbones, right, that could cut you if touched them, I swear. She had this long, silky hair and these huge, dark green eyes. She was talented as well, she could write perfectly and her art was, well..." She trailed off slightly, her mind turning to the morbid yet adequate drawings found upon Lily's bedroom wall. "Well, let's just say they were interestin'. This is all just such as waste of a beautiful, beautiful person and I am going to miss her so much. Even if I never actually knew her properly, she was still my sister at the end of the day and I'll always love her, always."

_How can I relate to somebody who doesn't speak?_

x

"You were brave." He told her. She rolled her eyes. "Dad didn't seem to think so."  
"Ya dad's upset, and ya' mum, I wouldn't take it personally."  
"Is that why he 'ad to get plastered at the wake? Fucks' sake Noel, you and I both know he don't give a shit." Noel sighed and August immediately felt guilty for snapping at him. The day had been distressing, bitter and downcast, more so than expected. More so than she had prepared for, but then again no one could prepare enough to bury their sister of only twenty two years. After her speech August sat back down, Noel's fingers instantly interlaced with her own. His big eyes shone with pride and for a moment she felt safe, but then she heard her mother cry. It was a sound she had grown too used to, but it never failed to set her on edge. Her father however didn't cry. He hadn't cried at all that day, in fact August couldn't recall him crying even in the days after Lily's death. He was quiet and he drank, shut himself away. It was a contrast from his usual self, August wasn't sure which father she preferred; the angry drunken lunatic or the creepy, depressive alcoholic. He remained quiet until the funeral wake. One too many spirits, or maybe five. He screamed at her mother, he told her it was all her fault in front of everyone. She cried again, which was all she ever seemed to do, whilst he yelled and hollered at her, tipping over the tables and smashing the glasses in a mad frenzy. August left, fed up and done with the constant hatred shared between her own parents. She walked away and carried on walking until she got to her car, locked herself inside and waited for the tears to come, but they didn't. She was frozen, desensitized.  
"I'm not goin' home." She told Noel after he found her. "You're right." He agreed. "You're comin' back to mine."  
It took them at least an hour to get back home to Croydon. The funeral had been held in a village outside of London, August couldn't remember the name of it, the reception in a club house near by. Her old, rusty Reno Clio must have looked odd as it lumbered through the posh country roads filled with mostly Porsche's, but August's concerns were set on far higher priorities. Somehow it didn't seem like long until she found herself sitting in the serene dark comfort of Noel's room again, night time twilight seeping through the glass of the windows. This was a scenario which had become a routine, almost every night they'd hide away from the world together in Noel's room. It was the one place she felt secure, probably because she knew Noel would always be there and, for her, he was a precious haven.

"I should be at home, with mum." She muttered. "How can you call me brave when I'm hidin' away like this?"  
"August, how can you think you're anythin' but brave, look at what you've been through."  
"Yea but, mum's been through a lot too, _and_ dad, even if he is a twat." August bit her lip and creased her brow. "They're gonna' be at home right now, yellin' and cryin'. We've just had to bury Lily and I'm just here feelin'..." She stopped, and peered thoughtfully into the luminous blue of Noel's eyes. "Feelin' what, August?"  
"Happy." She exhaled. "Safe, I guess."  
"Exactly." Noel offered her small smile, tucking a spare wave away from her face. "You deserve to be happy darlin', you're not doin' anything wrong, and anyway, you really think your mum would want you to be at home if you didn't want to be? She'd want you to be happy. So would Lily." She curved her lips, melting in to the warmth of Noel's words. "I guess." Then her mouth grew into a grin and she shoved her friend playfully. "You just want to 'ave me all to yourself, don't ya Fielding." She teased and snaked and arm around his shoulders. He snickered and, knowing that he could play her own game better than she could, grabbed her waist and pushed her back against the mattress. "You 'ave no idea, ya' slag!" Noel growled his best cockney accent into August's ear which he knew made her laugh as he pinned her against the bed. He wasn't sure on how they had moved from situations filled with deep and sentimental whispers to mocking cockney accents and behaving like six year old children, but he wasn't going to complain. Noel loved to see August happy, especially when her uncommonly bliss came down to him. Also the action of play fighting with her on his own bed drove his sixteen year old mind wild, though he didn't like to admit it, even to himself. After all, behind the joke August really didn't have a clue as to how much her best friend wanted her, not even in the slightest.


	6. The Eye Of The Storm

**The Eye Of The Storm**

-Eight years previous, 7th October-

Downing a bottle of Vodka in the back of a messy car parked up in the middle of nowhere whilst her friends ran riot was not how August had imagined her eighteenth birthday. For years she had pictured the event being held in some sort of glamorous night club in Chelsea. She'd wear a dress that her parents would disapprove of but her father would still be proud and her mother would still smile. She'd be surrounded by her friends, Noel at her side. He'd come irresistible in his tight jeans and messy hair, that crooked grin he wore so well aimed just for her. August wasn't sure why her best friend appeared in her mind as desirable as he did, perhaps it was due to the girl she had suddenly found herself sharing his once undivided attention with. Daisy.

It's strange what jealousy can do to people. Like a young child envious of the kid next door simply because they have a new toy, and purely because they could not have it themselves, August found herself withering in self pitied silence. Of course, she did not see Noel as a toy and she was not even _jealous_, so to speak. It was just the fact that he was now under the demand of someone far more deserving than herself in the public eye as Daisy Check was Noel's girlfriend. To August's annoyance there was nothing she could find to dislike about Daisy, in fact she had been the one to introduce the pair to each other. Naturally, they got along like a house on fire. Noel was silly and sweet and Daisy was the same, giggling and clapping at almost anything that came out of the boy's mouth. She was of an average height with a perfect dress sense; the key to Noel's heart. With her skinny legs, silky cut silver bob and bubbly attitude there wasn't a way August could compare as she walked around with a permanent rain cloud above her head. She was hurt. At the back of her mind August figured that somehow Noel would always be hers, even if they were only friends, but what she had forgotten to take in to context was Damian. Maybe Noel's relationship with Daisy had only blossomed because of Damien, the boy who August had unwillingly lost herself to. August knew that Noel had never been keen on the lad who held an interest in her so when she told him that they'd slept together it was only obvious that his dislike for Damian heightened to new, bitter levels. There was nothing Noel could do about it though, so he kept his mouth shut. He knew that life was still becoming all the more difficult for August and she was becoming all the more of a wreck. With her father now gone and her mother falling further and further into a state of depression, August found herself reaching for the arm of liquor more than often. It wasn't until she decided to drown her stomach in Gin did she fall into the bad intentions of Damian. She regretted it immediately, even though she had wanted it at first. August wasn't sure if she felt more guilty for giving herself away so competently or because she had thought of Noel for the entire time, wishing that all the while she had been with him. Eventually she batted the idea of Noel away and, even to her own distaste, she stuck with Damian. Not long after that did Daisy come along, forcing the couples into an awkward foursome, layered and layered by secrets and unspoken wishes which daren't to ever show themselves.

"Easy with that." Noel frowned and turned around in his seat. He'd been watching August through the rear view mirror of his car in silence for almost half an hour, and she'd nearly finished the whole bottle of Vodka. "Why d'you care?" She scoffed. "You're drivin' so you can't 'ave any anyway."  
"Maybe I just don't want you throwin' up all over my car, yea?" He quipped, turning back around and glaring out into the darkness. "Jus' cos' you're jealous that I'm eighteen and you're not." She continued. Noel wrinkled his nose and shook his head. "Yea, that's right August. You're older by a few months and suddenly it makes you Miss Superior." He taunted. "So, 'ow does it feel bein' old enough to buy your own drink now rather than nicking it from the corner store?"  
"Shut up." She hissed. "Yea, wha'ever." Noel felt bad for scolding his friend on her birthday, but she had taken a turn for the worse and as per usual, he was worried. Really, he wasn't a bore and under any other circumstances he wouldn't have cared whether she was drinking alcohol or not, he would have had some himself, even if he was driving, but the out of character behavior which came with her drunken attitude proved to be very disconcerting and it was driving him mad. Fucking Damian Owen for example was a very, very ill-suited decision. The boy was a college drop-out, not that Noel could judge upon that as he had done exactly the same, but Damian had left because he'd decided that sitting around at home and snorting cocaine with a criminal record was a better, more appealing option. At least Noel had found himself a job in the local bakery, a measly job in his eyes but it was a job none the less. He knew it was petty to hate someone just because they took drugs, it wasn't like he'd never thought about taking a high before and marijuana was always available in Croydon. He also knew it was petty to hate someone because they were screwing your best friend, but when Noel was so disgustingly, pathetically in love with his best friend, matters became unbearable.

August held the bottle to her mouth, the chemical taste stung at her chapped lips and burnt her insides but she didn't care. She pressed her forehead against the window, staring out into the night. They were parked in a field, the long grass was just about visible under the moonlight and the large pond which stretched itself out in front of them gleamed with the glistening reflection of tiny stars. August wasn't sure where they were exactly, she couldn't even remember how long they had been driving for until they reached this vacated destination to 'celebrate' her birthday. Her caustic mind was possibly an over reaction; sitting in a deserted corn field was better than nothing, and at least she was with Noel. It wasn't Chelsea and she wasn't wearing an expensive dress. She was wearing jeans and sneakers and her parents weren't proud. Her mother had been barely able to drag herself to work that morning let alone acknowledge her daughter's existence and her father had been locked up in a mental institution for over two months after he'd convinced himself that his family were trying to kill him. That was what a tragedy like Lily could do to an already debilitated family. It destroyed everything once and for all, burning away at any last hopes of happiness. The few people that August could consider as friends were all underage, only by mere months but even so they wouldn't be allowed into any bars or clubs, which left her in the corner store buying everyone's alcohol with the ten pound note her mother had carelessly shoved into her hand. "Happy birthday, sweet." She'd mutter to August before leaving for work, the heavy wood of the front door slammed shut in her face and the dark of the house she could once call home slowly engulfing her.

Through the night filled air August could see Damian and Daisy larking in the liquid of the pond, clothes removed and Beer cans held loosely between their palms. It was autumn and the water must have been freezing, but neither of the two seemed sober enough to mind. "Do you even care that your girlfriend is currently skinny dippin' with my boyfriend?" She asked calmly, the methanol substance draining her inhibitions and making her brain feather light. "No, not really." Noel muttered. "Don't you love her then?"  
"What?"  
"Have you done it yet?" August smirked, her head now beginning to swim in pleasant waves. Noel glanced at her as she pulled herself forward on the back seat until her face was only inches from his. "You're so pissed."  
"That don't answer my question, Fielding." She giggled and he could smell the Vodka on her breath. "Have you fucked her?" Noel ran a hand through his hair, this was not something he wanted to talk about with August. He felt culpable for having sex with Daisy. It wasn't as if he didn't like the girl or that he didn't want to sleep with her, he would have been insane to deny the beautiful blonde bombshell sex. It was just that in his mind he was and had always been August's, he was smitten, completely and unconditionally taken by her snow white skin and red pouted lips. There was something so agonizingly romantic about the way August was slowly breaking down and how he knew that it was inevitable that he could be the only person to save her. It made his heart swell and burst with adoration, a love that he could never admit to.  
"Yea, I have, alright?"  
"You... you 'ave?"  
"Yes, August. A couple of weeks back now."  
"Oh." Was all she could muster as the surprise of Noel's answer shook her more than it should have done. Maybe it was because she was drunk, now almost paralytic as she slumped back into the car seat and drained the remains of her beverage, but Noel's words which echoed through and hammered at her skull seemed all the more shocking. Suddenly she was reaching out through the darkness and tugging at his tee shirt, pulling him into the back with her. "Why didn't ya' tell me?" She slurred, her inebriated rapture quickly boiling and evolving into negativity. "August..." He half laughed, trying to determine if he had or not upset the drunken mess before him. "I dunno', I just..." Noel scratched the back of his neck and searched for the right excuse to provide her with. "I just thought, with ya' dad gone and everything else that's 'appened, I just thought it wouldn't matter, I s'pose." He lied. "My dad? You really think that my dad would 'ave any'fuckin'thing to do with this?" August choked through unexpected tears, the alcohol in her system pushing her anxious and insecure side to the brim. "You're my best friend Noel of course it would matter!" She dissolved, streams of salt running black from her make-up caked eyes. "I love you, y'know I do, of course it would matter! Don't you dare ever fuckin' think that you don't matter-" August's voice was cut short by the collision of Noel's chest when he grabbed her, holding her against him as she fell apart and wept desperately in his tight grip. "I'm sorry." She'd sob repetitively and cling to his sides. Noel would sigh and play the same cracked record, shoveling her promises that said everything was okay and that she didn't need to cry. August would try to explain through her intoxicated state that her world had well and truly fallen apart, that she'd lost her sister, her father, even her mother seemed more distant by the day and that all she wanted was her family back. She gripped at his clothes with bolted fists and begged for his reassurance that Daisy was just a fling and that she wouldn't lose him as well, pleading for him to understand. However Noel already understood, he knew of everything that his delicate little girl was going through with a knowledge far too clear. If it was possible for him to understand anymore than he already did Noel swore that his heart would physically break. Anyone else in his situation would have looked on in disgust. They would have said that August was a destitute cling-on who needed to pull her act together, but not Noel. He had to fight the urge to melt and cry with her by instead forcing himself to speak. "Darlin', you know this is just the worse of it." He whispered and pushed his fingers into the thick of her sable hair. "It can only get better from now on, I promise. Storms don't last forever now, do they?" Although he spoke with uncertain veneer, Noel was sure that August's life could at the least fail to get any worse. After all it was true; storms couldn't last forever. This surely had to be one of the final thunderbolts before the long awaited calm, surely.

-Present day-

I honestly thought she was going to be okay. She was battered, scared and bitter, but I honestly thought she would pull through and be the person who I knew again. I figured that things could only get better, I had faith. I was a fuckin' idiot.


	7. The Ignorance

**The Ignorance**

-Seven years previous, 20th November-

Alcohol had almost become a substitute for water in the case of August, weed a replacement for oxygen. She had curled herself up in the corner of Damian's ratty old sofa, dressed in an over sized jumper to hide her wasted body and a Beer can cradled tight into her chest as if it were precious. Noel stared at her across Damian's mother's living room, his expression blank. Of course, Damian's mother was not around, she never was. Being a stripper meant that she was either out all night shoving her tits in a random blokes face or sleeping all day, which gave her son the constant luxury of a free, dirty, house. In Noel's opinion Damian's lack of mothering was no excuse for his violent and drug abused behavior. If Damian decided that he was going to get himself arrested at least once a month for vicious behavior than it was his own fault. He could have always put his angry energy to perhaps more constructive actions, especially with a gem like August on his arm. Noel watched as she sunk further and further into the cushioned seating whilst Damian began to inhale his way through another line of cocaine next to her, breaking the ten minute silence with ungraceful snorts. Her skin was washed out and heavy circles hung from her once bright eyes, lifeless hair falling limp around her narrow shoulders. She looked so exhausted, ill, nothing like the girl he used to know. He wanted to cry and scream and shake her by the shoulders, make her understand what she was doing to herself, but his voice was silenced by clenched teeth due to the company he shared, leaving the room filled with nothing but the loud grunts from Damian's powder smothered nostrils.  
"Well, this is fun!" Daisy smiled awkwardly from her place next to Noel, the marijuana stuffed joint pressed between her fingers filling the room with hazy smoke. He couldn't tell if she was being sarcastic or not, all he knew was that watching his friend wither into a timid baby was not at all fun. "Yea, it's genius." Noel muttered with no attempt to hide his cynicism.  
"I'll tell ya what though, it'd be even better if you lot got on the coke." Damian smirked, oblivious, the Scouse accent he spoke with rung thick and irritating. "Nah, we're a'right with just the weed. Cheers anyway." Noel said, resisting the urge to smack Damian across his aggravatingly attractive smug face. He shrugged and laughed, the already tight skin stretching over his razor blade cheek bones as he bared a set of surprisingly straight teeth. "Fine then, all the more for me, unless Gus wants some."  
"Gus? Who the fuck is Gus?" Asked Noel.  
"August." Damian replied simply as he began to sort another line on the coffee table. "August? She's not called Gus you berk, she's called August!"  
"Well she likes bein' called Gus, don't ya' babes?" The use of the nickname 'babes' made Noel want to vomit. "S'alright." August mumbled, immersing even further into the sofa. "Told ya' so. Anyway, do ya' want some, babes?" August rubbed her eyes and shook her head, the throb from the pill she'd previously taken had begun to make her mind spin and her stomach turn. "I'm fine. I feel a bit sick, actually."  
"Ah babes, was the pill all too much for ya'?"  
"Pills?" Noel frowned. "Are you kiddin' me? I didn't know you were in to all that, August."  
"I'm not really in to it, Damian 'ad some so I just thought I'd give it a go."  
The look Noel gave August made her want to die. It was a look of shame, that she could accept, but worse of all it was a look of hurt. He had attempted to help her with angelic will and patience for so long and all she could do was ignore his advice and instead behave like a washed up junkie. She made herself feel physically sick. "Actually, I really don't feel too great." August winced and stood up, stumbling toward the bathroom as her surroundings began to melt into a blurred vision. "I'll be right back."

Time had stopped. She was falling through dimensions and her world was revolving. August was unaware of any reality as she lay on the filthy bathroom floor. Her heart was beating faster than she thought was possible, she was slipping through her own brain due to that stupid pill Damian had given her and it felt horrific. She wasn't sure if she had left her friends for five minutes or five hours, nor was she aware of even her own ambiance. All she was sure of was Noel and that terrible look of pain he had shot her with. August loved the boy more than she could bring herself to admit, more than she would ever let on and it was like death to see those beautiful blue eyes fill with such grief, especially when it was her fault. She loved him so much that after a while her brain locked and her heart beat curved numb. Everything became sedated and all she could picture was him and his perfectly pointed features. At one point during her trip she was ten years old again. Her dark hair was long and curly, cheeks plump and pink with green eyes as bright as the sun, she had innocence. Noel was there as well. He had a mop of soft bottle blonde hair and blue eyes which opened as wide as the moon. He was laughing and so was she, purity oozing from their voices and their hands laced together as they ran through the daylight. Their journey seemed to last forever. They crossed over many playgrounds and London streets until they reached the seaside and then they even crossed the ocean. Once upon land they ran again until they reached a dusty yellow corn field with a pond, just like the one where they had spent her birthday. It wasn't until then did August realize that they were alone in their tranquil paradise and she liked it. She felt safe with Noel, he was the only person to ever make her feel intact and in that moment she believed that she'd never yearn for the need of anyone else.  
"Noel!" She squealed as he dragged her toward the woods which surrounded the field. "Noel, I'm scared!" She panted as her pulse resonated against the inner of her skull. "The evil turtle monsters are gonna' get us, Noel. I'm so scared." Noel turned to look at her, his sky lit eyes dancing in the heavy summer air. "Don't be scared, silly." He smiled and tugged at her arm, pulling her further into the thicket of trees and then suddenly they weren't in the woods anymore, they weren't even outside. They were in Noel's bedroom under a den of blankets. She wasn't ten anymore and neither was he, they were in a current time zone where she was eighteen and he was seventeen. August looked up at Noel as they sat in their fort. His hair had grown into a scruffy mane of brown and dirty blonde but his huge eyes still stared her through with hypnotizing sapphire. They sat in silence for a while and listened to nothing else but the other person's hitched breath. Everything had quickly evolved from white candidness to a hot tension where Noel's impossibly thin legs were tangled with her own. "You don't need to be scared when I'm here, darlin'." He uttered into her ear with a silky depth and threw goosebumps down her spine. "And I'm always here." Noel ran his fingers across her back and into her hair, a deed which had been done so many times in the past but their was something different about this. It was dense and sensual and the very slightest movement against Noel's lean body set August's mind on fire. "I want you." He breathed. "I want you too." August heard her own voice fall candidly and light around her, barely able to believe the willing words that tumbled from her throat. Before she knew it Noel's mouth was pressed against her lips and they were moving together, hot and wet. His hands were against her bare skin, rubbing and begging for a closer contact, so she let him touch her with an unthinkable bliss and then he was inside her, closer to her than he ever had been with skin as hot as flames. It was all happening in front of her like a film. August knew it was only in her mind, it was nothing more than a dream. She had the power to stop this absurd fantasy if she wanted to but that was just it; she didn't want to stop. It wasn't real, but it was more amazing than anything she could bring herself to imagine, more amazing than Damian, liquor or any drug combined. It was Noel. Silly, sweet, sarcastic Noel and she knew for sure that she would never, ever need anyone or anything else, so long as she had him.

When August at last managed to hoist herself up using the bathroom sink, everything was finally sinking back to reality. She glowered at her reflection in the mirror; dilated pupils, dry lips and a mess of greasy hair, she looked even worse than before. Why anyone would want to take whatever drug Damian had given her was beyond her notion, she just felt terrible and ridiculously thirsty. What was even worse was that her mind had tangled itself into a complete muddle. As if it wasn't enough to be zoned out further than she could handle, now her feelings were in thorough adoration for Noel. Somehow her subconscious had always been aware of the emotions held for her best friend, all it had taken for her to realize what these emotions truly meant was a hallucination, a bare figment produced by her drugged up imagination, yet the dream had felt evident enough to push her senses into action, forcing her to understand what she doubtlessly wanted. After so many years August had felt lost and alone, and although she had Noel at her loyal side she still felt as if something was missing, but that something had never been visible to her. It appeared cold and empty and whilst Noel was always there for her she craved for something just a little bit more, something which she thought she'd be able to find in Damian. Damian was a forceful lover sustained by nothing other than his own needs. He was apathetic and held little understanding for anything with a depth more profound than he was, which was about as deep as a child's paddling pool. Noel on the other hand was tender and he'd learnt to deal with the undealable when it came to August, his depth had intensified over the past years. There it was, right in front of her. She had been skulking around for god knows how long, unsatisfied and thirsty for something Vodka could not quench whilst what she most desired had been sitting right under her nose for as long as she could remember. August was in love with Noel Fielding.  
In shock she slapped her hand over her mouth and staggered back from the mirror, her heart in overdrive. She couldn't understand how stupid she had been, how ignorant to not realize how perfect he was. If it wasn't obvious enough on the night of Lily's death; how gentle and calm Noel had been with her whilst she'd sobbed herself into oblivion, or after the funeral where he had been the only one to finally make the world seem better, how he made her laugh with that stupid cockney accent and the way he pushed her back onto his bed, the feel of his weight atop of her setting her flesh alight. The thought of Noel and Daisy together should have been enough. After Noel told her that he'd slept with Daisy August wanted to disappear, her existence suddenly felt even more meaningless but she couldn't decipher exactly why. Now it was palpable, unmistakable. She loved him. She was undeniably, unreservedly in love with her best friend. The only sane thing left to do was to tell him, August just had to pray that the feeling was mutual.  
She sprung forward and fondled at the bathroom lock with shaking hands, only to find the living room empty, spare Damian. "Where is everyone?" She demanded bluntly.  
"What?" He raised his eyebrows and lit the joint jammed between his pale lips.  
"Noel, where is he?"  
"He left with Daisy."  
"What? Why? What time is it?"  
"It's two in the mornin' babes, you've been in that bathroom for fuckin' hours. I had to piss in the street cos' you know the upstairs toilet is fucked." August stared at him. "What are you chattin' about? I was in there for at least 'alf an hour. I just felt a bit ill, that's all." Damian shook is head and chuckled, cruel and undermining. "Nah babes, that pill ya' took can space ya' out for ages if ya' not used to it."  
"What the fuck?" She ran her hands through her hair in exasperation and spun around to see the clock which sure enough read exactly three minutes past two. "Okay, it doesn't matter, I need to go. I need to talk to Noel."  
"Wait, wait hold up babes." Damian stood and stopped her by the shoulders effortlessly. "You don't need to go anywhere." His Liverpudlian accent drooled over her with a frantic breath and frenzied eyes, his quivering grip buzzed against the clutch he had upon her and made her shake. He was higher than a kite. "Shit Damian, how much coke 'ave you done?"  
"That don't matter, babes. Anyway, there's no point in goin' to find your Noely, he'll be at home screwing Daisy, won't he." August had forgotten about that prospect. "I had to chuck 'em out before they started fucking on my couch." He rolled his eyes. "To be honest, watching the pair of them all over each other like they were was kind of turnin' me on, that Daisy's got a bangin' pair of legs."  
"Gross." August muttered and tried to force the disappointment from her eyes. She knew there wasn't a way in the world Noel would chose to be with her when he had Daisy; model in the making. "Not really that gross babes, not when it made me so excited to see ya'." Damian simpered and tried to slam his clumsy kisses on her mouth only to be faced with her denial.  
"No, Damian." His expression flashed with anger, but then his face resumed it's usual pompous smirk. "Ah babes, the pill musta' got ya' really shaken up." He sighed and pulled her to his rigid chest and August could feel his furious heart beat against the skeletal of his ribs. Although Damian was drawn and lank he was still tall and his muscles compelled by cocaine, making his hold around her unbreakable. "Why don't you let me calm ya' down? Come upstairs with me, eh?" He hissed down her neck, and August knew that his question was more of a demand, and even though she had not yet experienced the wrath of Damian Owen she was sure that it was not something she wanted to endure. "Come on, come to bed." August nodded reluctantly as he forced her hand into his and lead her toward the stairs. She followed him up, mostly by force, each creek of the decrepit staircase reminding her of the unwanted fate which lurked in Damian's bedroom, and each step toward it enforced the fact that silly, sweet, sarcastic Noel would never, ever be hers.


	8. The Kiss With A Fist

**Soooooo I've started back at college & everything is super busy, but I will try to update as much as I can! Feedback is always appreciated :) ;)**

* * *

**The Kiss With A Fist**

-Seven years previous, 21st November-

It was early, or late depending on how one decided to look at it. The sun hadn't fully risen and the air fell thick with fog but all August could think about was how she needed to run. She just had to keep running, it was simple. She couldn't look back and she couldn't stop for breath, she couldn't even think about how her mind was still high or how her cheeks stung from the bitter cold otherwise she would falter in her escape. She needed to get away, she needed to find Noel. Still in her dazed state, August found her way to Noel's front door; a route she knew like the back of her hand. She paused and looked around, her breath agile and heavy, her pulse darting. The street lamp lit pavement appeared free from any human being, empty, bare and surprisingly quiet for London past midnight. She had made it, she was safe. August stared across the empty street as she tried to recollect herself, her chest rising and falling with each exhausted breath and her limbs like gelatin due to the adrenaline in her veins. It must have been at least five minutes until she managed to lift her fist to the door, knocking twice, gingerly, desperately hoping that Noel would greet her as the idea of explaining her haphazard appearance to his freshly awoken parents didn't seem to settle well, but Noel didn't answer. Neither did his mother or father or even his brother Mike, it was even worse. It was Daisy. She stood tall in the door way, her svelte legs naked and her blond tresses in a hot mess, Noel's Kiss tee shirt draped loosely over her elegant build. "August? What are you doing here?" She muttered sleepily with her articulate voice, wretchedly perfect in every form. "Daisy." August gasped, suddenly aware of how revolting she must have looked with her make-up smudged face and knotted hair, but only slightly mused. It didn't matter in the long run, not right then and not in comparison to to what had just happened. "Look, I'm sorry for turning up 'ere so late but I..." August panted, beginning to feel somewhat guilty for demanding to see her best friend at such a ridiculous time in the morning. He may have been the belated love of her life but he was still Daisy's boyfriend after all. "I really, really need to see Noel." Daisy scowled, her flawless features creased with suspicion and irritation for a second, but then she shrugged and moved aside to let August in. "Fine, I guess." She said easily. "He's in the living room, we must've fallen asleep in front of the TV or something."  
"Thanks, Daisy." August forced a small smile and stepped into the living room, standing still in front of Noel where he lay sprawled out over his sofa, thin legs clad in pyjama bottoms, expression confused and tired orbs wide with worry. It was warm inside, a great contrast to the early winter morning outside and the table-side lamp lit the cream walls with a soft, comfortable yellow but it didn't stop August from trembling out of both fear and cold.  
"August, what you doin'?" Noel asked, his voice coarse from sleep. She said nothing but instead peered at him through the tangled curtain of her hair as she tried to conjure the right words to clarify why she was there and what had happened, fighting and pushing away the overpowering urge to burst into tears, but then she found herself questioning why it would matter if she did cry. Noel had seen her in her most pathetic and feeble moments so what difference would it make to add one more break down to the list, so she let herself go; eyes overflowing like rivers, shaking hands clamped over her mouth as she stood before him helplessly. Noel automatically opened his arms wide, welcoming her into his gentle embrace and she naturally fell into him, curling herself up on his lap as if she were a child, a baby girl crying to her daddy who she knew would unqualifiedly make everything better, no matter what.

There had been silence for at least half an hour. Daisy had sunk away after claiming she'd put the kettle on but had more likely retired to Noel's bedroom in order to keep away from the drama August had brought with her arrival. Drama, that's all she was good for, that and depressing everyone up to their eyeballs. She felt like a nuisance. An irritating, paltry waste of space. She was worthless and the dull throb between her legs continued to remind her of such facts. Even the word rape made her feel like dirt so when the words tumbled from her blubbering mouth she felt all the more vile. _"He raped me. Damian raped me."_ Noel fell quiet the moment she told him, his idioms of solace vanished and August suddenly felt more hollow than she had before. She couldn't see his expression from where her face nestled between his shoulder and neck, nor could she read it but she could take a pretty could guess as to what it would show. Pity, disgust, even repulse. August wouldn't blame him, there wasn't a way in the world he could find her more revolting than she did herself. She _hated_ herself for what had happened. She was a repugnant, abhorrent person for letting Damian do what he did to her. She should have screamed or punched him, kicked him, anything rather than solely laying there on that creaky old bed like a miserable slut. "I told him no." She sobbed. "I said no. I told him to stop, I did, I promise I did, but he kept going and he wouldn't stop. He just held me, Noel, he just held me against his bed and he wouldn't stop and it hurt and I cried but I didn't do anything, I just couldn't. I didn't even try to get away 'till it was too late and he got what he wanted." August dared to lift her head, peeping into the mien of her friend but his face was blank, his otherwise explanatory eyes were dead and unreadable. "I was so scared, Noel." She whispered. "I know he's meant to be my boyfriend and it shouldn't 'ave been that way but it was, and it's all, all my fault." Noel frowned and cocked his head, the first expression of any kind she had seen from him in minutes. "It's your fault?" He breathed with a tone of astonishment, as if barely able to understand the sentence she had given him. "August, how is it your fault?" She floundered and tried to find the evidence to answer his question. "Because I-I should 'ave done something to stop him, I-"  
"No, August." He severed her voice with such seriousness to make August blink in surprise. Never had she seen him anything but vivacious, chipper. Even when she was crying herself to sleep in his arms Noel still managed to pull some sort of cheesy joke out of thin air or compelled himself to give her a silly impersonation of something or someone all the more foolish to make her smile at the least, but now Noel's jaw clenched tight, orbs forthwith bright and alive with enmity.  
"This is no way your fault, how-I, I..." He wavered, his breath narrow and stern. He was livid and it felt foreign to him. Noel ever so rarely fell victim to anger, it felt unfamiliar and strong, so uncontrollable. The last time he had felt such fury was on the hot summer night when August's father returned home drunk and abusive, ending in hurrying her away back to his own house. Since then nothing had compared in tight heat to that feeling, but now he wanted nothing more than to murder Damian. He wanted to rip that dog from limb to limb, make him pay for what he did to August. He wanted him to suffer. "I'm gonna' kill him."

The neighbors couldn't tell which was louder at five o'cock in the morning; the hammer of Noel's fist against the Owen household's front door or August's desperate screams for him to stop as she cascaded after him down the road. "Oi, Scouse!" He yelled, refusing to leave until he drew crimson from Damian's nose. August grabbed him with a handful of leather jacket, but only after the door was answered. As soon as Damian appeared; half asleep with an embroil of tattered hair, Noel more or less sprung from August's grip and took a swift punch to the other boy's face before forcefully pinning him to the walling of his own hallway. He clinched at the collar of Damian's clothing, snarling into the shock of his blood smeared facet. "If you ever,_ever_ hurt her again," He spat, lowering his voice to a mere yet surprisingly threatening hiss for a lad of his stature. "If you ever even go near her, I swear I will make you regret it." It was a promising statement and brave enough to make August swoon, but only until Damian's senses returned and obliged him to smash his knuckles back at Noel, earning a dreadful crack and an equally bloody nose. "As if I'd want anything more to do with a tramp like her anyway." He derided coolly as August rushed to Noel's side. "You obviously fancy the fuck outta' her, you're welcome to her mate, that's if you honestly want a filthy little whore." He pressed on, harsh words burning and imprinting August's mind like a brand. "She's as borin' in bed as she is depressin', I mean the pathetic bitch couldn't even put up the fight I wanted her to when I was drilling her earlier." With that, Noel was prepared to give further harm to the rat in front of him and perhaps even ready to take another punching if he had to, but August's restraint on his shoulders pulled back harder until they fell into the street. Damian's door slammed promptly shut, leaving his brutal insults as jeering echos in the cold morning air which stabbed and taunted at August further and further more, but the scarlet dripping boy who stood before her, guilty, angry and now slightly awkward gained the upper hand of her attention.  
"Fucks sake, Noel." She sighed; half terrified, half proud of the bravery portrayed by her friend, and gathered him against her, wrapping her arms tightly around his neck as if she never wanted to let him free from her clasp.  
Noel rested heavily against her, Damian's unfortunately heavy blow to his face had begun to throb densely against his nerves and the blood which seemingly ran from his nose dripped and stained at August's clothes as she held him, but she didn't care for that in the slightest. In fact it made her want to encase herself even further around him than it was plausible, the knowledge that Noel had put himself in danger simply to protect her made August love him all the more. It wasn't until then did she see Daisy, consumed in sweat-pants and a coat far too large for her bantam build but still managing to look attractive. She stood somewhere further down the street, far away enough to remain distant but close enough to have heard everything if she had witnessed the scene rendered only moments ago which, judging by the expression playing upon her guise, she had. Daisy looked as if she wanted to either cry, bellow, kill something or simply overlook the situation for the minute at least, but couldn't quite decide which action to follow out. In the end and to August's relief she turned on her heel and walked away, scathingly leading the skeptical pair behind her back to Noel's house.


	9. The Tears

**The Tears**

Noel flinched as August held the cotton wool to his swollen nose, the jerked reaction from his body shuddered hard against his kitchen table. "Sorry." August winced, attempting to dab even more gently at the crusted blood than she had been doing already. "It's fine." He grimaced. Part of August wanted to roll her eyes and tell him to stop being such a melodramatic prick, but the reason behind Noel's battered face made her imprison the words that settled on her tongue. No matter how stupid, Noel had been brave and it was all in her defense. Although he was still fairly tall himself, Noel had whacked a boy at least three inches taller with a criminal record smack bam around the face without a moment's hesitation, all in the name of her. "I didn't know you 'ad such a feisty side to ya'." She said, a small smile playing her lips. Noel suppressed his smug grin and shrugged. "What can I say? I'm like the Iron Man I am."  
"More like Mr. Blobby."  
"Shut it you, I'm made of steel, me. You won't find me floundering about like some great pink oaf."  
"I beg to differ." They both laughed, quietly and diluted, but it was laughter all the same, expressed for the first time in what seemed like forever.  
"Done." August dropped the dripping cotton wool back into the steaming bowl of hot antiseptic, eyeing Noel's face with a sympathized uncertainty. His once crooked nose was now even more exaggerated, definitely broken, but Damian had been fecklessly generous with his punch. Maybe it was because of the drugs he'd taken or perhaps it was due to the sheer shock caused by being attacked by the skinny, goofy, comedic boy of all people because Noel's injury wasn't half as evident as August had originally anticipated.  
"Go on then." Noel huffed and slipped back into his seat. "How bad is it?" He shifted uncomfortably and diverted his eyes to his lap like a scolded school boy. August watched as he fidgeted restlessly with some sort of embarrassment for his overly protective actions or simply because he hadn't been swift enough to avoid Damian's fist. Either way August saw it as a chance to make light of the situation. "It looks terrible." She said, shaking her head, a sarcastic tone of seriousness strung from her voice. "It's broken really, really bad. You're gonna' have to go to hospital. You'll probably look even more ridiculous than usual for the rest of your life." August's voice broke at this, spewing into a fit of giggles and Noel glared at her through his dishwater-blonde fringe, but then he finally cracked a smile. It grew until it's corners almost touched his ears and he laughed with her, fully and eagerly, real, honest laughter. It got to a point where they didn't even know what they were laughing at anymore which only made everything all the more funny. It was then did August realize that she felt happy. She actually felt happy for the prime time in an incredibly long interim and it felt like bliss. It may have only lasted for a spare few minutes but it still felt alike to hope none the less. Hope that maybe someday everything would be okay again.

"Why did you do it?" She asked after their laughter had died. "I've never seen ya' so angry before. You're Noel, you're meant to be breezy and light and happy all the time." Noel looked up at her from across the table, blue peepers staring into her with a certain anxiousness, as if the answer he wanted to give was not possible to expose. When he finally spoke he sounded unsure and in effect timid. "He deserved it, didn't he. That's why." August shied away, shielding his words with a barrier that refused to let any wrangle of consolation through to her undeserving heart. "I guess. I deserved what he gave me though. Shouldn't 'ave really complained about it so much."  
"Not this nonsense again." He groaned.  
"I'm sorry but it's true. I didn't want it Noel I-I didn't want him anymore but I just took it because it's all I'm good for." Noel slid his hand over the small space between them and linked his fingers with her own. "What you on about? You're amazing at so much, right, because you're art is brilliant, it's genius! You're funny and you sing really good and the guitar-"  
"None of that stuff matters anymore though." She whispered, suddenly feeling the sensation of unmitigated depression yet again. "It's all gone, I ain't that person anymore. I'm..." She trailed off, glancing vaguely into his rattled stare. "Don't say it." He whispered as if he could translate her mind, close enough now to tickle her skin with his cool breath. She didn't want to say it. She didn't want his sympathy, she didn't want to be the woeful, futile being that she was but she couldn't help it. She certainly didn't want to reveal herself anymore than she had done already but Noel's intense regard dug deep into her soul and she was sure he could read her thoughts anyway.  
"Worthless." August croaked, voice cracking as she stated with a manner that fashioned almost matter of factually. Noel's grip on her hand tightened heavily and she swore that her blood circulation would cut off. "Don't you ever say that." He said with a pitch so beaten August was afraid that even he may melt into a puddle of tears as well. "You are beautiful and amazing and caring and wonderful and I honestly don't know where I'd be without you, okay? Because you're just so amazing right, you're so amazing." He spoke as if he couldn't get the words out fast enough, as if they were biting at his tongue and he had to say them quickly otherwise they wouldn't get said at all.  
August stared at him, biting down on her lip so hard Noel felt scared she would chew right through it. Her eyes had deepened in colour and were spilling glass like droplets which poured down her sallow cheeks and sunk into the fabric of her jeans. She was clenching back at his hand now with an equal strength. She wanted to speak, to tell him something but he could tell that she was holding it back. He was sure that whatever secret she had left to tell him was dancing behind her teeth but her mind had set up battle with her mouth on whether to reveal what it had to tell or not. It was then he saw it. It was bursting from her eyes like a desperate, pleading yearn, begging to be noticed, to be understood and accepted by him. It was a secret she had reserved and made for only him to hear. Her lips parted, slowly and halting as if she were testing her own entreaty. "Noel," She whispered, not once braking the contact she shared with his spacious orbs. "I realized somethin' earlier. I realized it and I knew I 'ad..." She paused, squinting in agonizing suspense. "I knew I had to tell you." Noel stared at her in awe, barely able to let himself believe what he thought she was about to tell him. This could have been it, it could have been the moment he had been awaiting for so, so long; the moment that August realized that she possibly felt the same way about him as he did about her. He could see it, drifting gracefully behind those rosebud lips like his unanswered prayers as they opened to speak. It was there, about to spill. About to unfold and confess that she, August Valentine, was in some way maybe, perhaps in love with him. It was there on the tip of her tongue, he had been so sure of it, but then suddenly came; "We need to talk." Noel and August both flipped their heads around in hasty surprise, mouths slightly agape and eyes ample after they were drawn from such intimate exchanges. Daisy stood in the kitchen door way and leaned against the wooden frame, arms crossed tight around her chest and an aware, unimpressed expression among her features. Noel mentally cursed at Daisy for her interruption, despite knowing that none of this was her fault. Pulling her hand away from his, August stood as if the singular yet electric spark shared between her and Noel had never happened. "Sure, sorry Daisy." She mumbled, smearing away with her fingertips the strewn make-up from under her lashes. Noel pleaded with his eyes for her to stay, but she ignored his longing stare. "You don't 'ave to go." He managed with a somehow casual voice, but August merely smiled weakly and offered him a quiet 'thanks' before brushing past Daisy and leaving the house, closing the door quietly to mark her exist into the newly grey dawn.

"I know you love her." Daisy had said. "I do not _love_ her." Noel had replied defensively, unsure of whether he was defending his own dignity, attempting not to hurt Daisy or simply lying to himself. "I heard everything, Noel. I've known for a long while anyway, just by the way you look at her-"  
"I don't look at her like I love her."  
"Yes, you do." Daisy watched as Noel desperately searched for a way out from the mess he had made for himself. She watched as he thrived and blushed like the confused teenager he was, but there wasn't anyway he could find an excuse to escape the conspicuous situation that had been arising around him for many years now. "I should have done this sooner, I should have known that if I really did have any feelings for you what so ever then I should have done the right thing for you. I should have let you go to her."  
"I don't love her." Noel persisted, but Daisy overlooked his guilty orbs and gritted teeth. "It's over Noel." She sighed. "It's for the best, for you and for her. Maybe you can help her with whatever problem she seems to have going on, I don't know." She curled her lip, a little too haughtily for Noel's taste. "So, I want you to go and do what you need to do." Daisy continued. "Go be with her, whatever, just please don't make me regret this." And with that Daisy was gone and Noel was left with nothing but silence and his own thoughts. He wasn't sad, exactly, more relieved that his short term fling with the girl was over, which ironically only made him feel guilty and shallow. He rested his forehead against the table and tried to ignore the burning tears which ran down his broken nose. Deep down Noel knew that Daisy was right and it was so painful. It stung and it hurt, even more than the prickling throb emanating from his face, to love someone who he could never tell. That tiny glimmer of hope that August had loved him back was gone. She only most likely wanted to tell him something that he already secretly knew. Something along the lines of how she was becoming addicted to alcohol or how the accidental lighter burns on her hand were deliberate. He felt stupid for even thinking it would be what he so fiercely wanted, no, _needed_ it to be. He needed her, he was her willing slave and Daisy had read this so easily as if it were a toddler's story book, and now she expected him to tell August even though the feeling was so obviously not reciprocated. Well Daisy was deluded if she honestly believed that he would do such a thing. He wasn't going to risk the friendship he shared with August; the most precious thing he could count on for the minuscule off chance that she may have felt the same way. It wasn't going to happen, not in a million years.


	10. The Crawl

**The Crawl**

-Seven years previous, 23rd December-

It had been over a month since Noel had seen August. He wasn't sure whether this was down to him or her, but the relationship held between the pair had seemingly drifted into a secluded roam since the conversation shared over his kitchen table and it killed him. Noel told himself that she had been busy with college studies and couldn't find the time to see him. He knew that this wasn't really true so he tried to over look it by focusing on work or by sitting in his bedroom and repeating the same three chords he had taught himself on the bass guitar. He'd bought it from the local thrift store; cheap, chipped and it often un-tuned itself but it was usable and looked cool all the same. Noel wasn't much of a rock'n'roll star despite how much he fancied himself as one. If anything he was a playful kitten, but skin tight jeans, jagged nose and the popped collar of his leather jacket would make an everyday onlooker think otherwise. August however would suppress a giggle when he tousled his unkempt hair. She'd push his arm when he showed her the bass and she'd tell him that he was too soft to be a rebel and that he should focus on making her laugh because that was what he could do best, then Noel would smile because he knew she was right.

"Hiya!" He had to to take a double glance to make sure the bright eyed, bubbly girl who stepped into Selhurst Road Bakery was actually August. "A'right?" He half grinned, eyeing her quizzically from behind the counter. "Ya' boss not around?" She asked, beaming widely up at Noel as if her life had never been anything but content. "Nah, he knocked off early, actually trusted me to not eat all the cake." He said. "Anyway, what ya' doin' 'ere?"  
"Well I wanted to know when ya' finished, 'aven't seen ya' in ages so I thought it'd be nice to do somethin'." She smiled a little too vigorously for Noel to pass as genuine. "Hmm I know, I thought you'd disappeared into another dimension, actually." He tried to joke, hoping that he had managed to smother the tinge of upset from his voice. Noel watched as the seasonal street decorations flickered through the window and glinted over the shine of August's hair, cheeks happily flushed from the cold winter dusk. Noel couldn't recall the last time he had seen her look so alive. It was as if the events which occurred in the recent past had never happened; as if her parents had never spat such venomous words to each other, as if Lily had never died or her father had never been sectioned into an institution, as if she had never consumed enough alcohol to make her look permanently ill.  
"I finish at six." He said, glancing over at the clock. "Which is in three minutes, so I guess I may as well finish now." Noel pulled the damnable baker's apron off from around his neck, tossed it somewhere he couldn't care less for and grabbed his keys. "Hang on!" He called after August as she made for the door, selecting something quickly from within the food filled glass cabinet before shoving it into a paper bag. "Here," He smiled sheepishly and handed her the bag. "My boss ain't gonna miss it, and you know what they say; 'when you're downie, eat a brownie.'"  
"Who the fuck says that?" August frowned, accepting the bag encased brownie with a laugh. "The brownie people? D'you know what? I'm not really sure, just made it up."  
"You're actually mad." She scoffed and Noel smiled as he locked the door behind him. He smiled because he knew August was right. He also knew that she wouldn't have him any other way but absurd and that her mockery toward him would always be driven by affection, he was nothing other than her best friend, still and all.  
"Thanks, by the way." She said as they walked down the fresh evening high street. "For the brownie, I mean, but just to let ya' know I'm not not feelin' down, or whatever." She peered up at him and stretched yet another extensive smile across her face. "I'm fine."  
"I know." Noel had said, yet truthfully he knew that she was everything but fine.

"I miss how things used to be." He whispered, their alcohol absorbed breath laced as they lay facing each other. "I used to see you all the time, y'know, now this is the first I've seen of you in weeks."  
"I've been really busy, I'm sorry."  
"Where 'ave you been?"  
"College."  
"No, honestly, where 'ave you been? Tell me the truth."  
August watched him through the night time darkness of his bedroom, watched as his orbs glistened even in the still calignosity which surrounded them. "I'm sorry, Noel." She finally muttered against his cheek. "I'm a terrible friend."  
"Don't be stupid." He pulled her closer underneath his duvet, inhaling the scent of her hair which smelt like too many cigarettes. "I'm sorry for everything; for Daisy leavin' ya', for making you so worried, for your broken nose, it's all bumpy now." She said quietly. "It's all because of me, isn't it?" Noel touched her face with his hand, supple and cool as he stroked her skin and shook his head over and over as if he couldn't find any other way to refute her.  
"I guess I needed some time to myself. I needed to-to sort myself out. That night when you 'ad that punch up with Damian it, well, it really struck something in me. It made me realize 'ow much you care, 'ow much I don't wanna' let you down anymore, so I came clean. I'm clean, Noel, well, I was. I came off everythin', I did. I 'aven't had any drink or puff for a month now. I got rid of it all, well, everythin' apart from the fags. So yea, that's where I've been. I've been sortin' myself out." Noel blinked and let his lips smile against her forehead. Words couldn't explain how proud he felt of her in those moments, at the same time a stab of guilt sent itself flying through his chest. "Yet here we are, surrounded by empty beer cans. You should 'ave said somethin' before." Noel felt her sigh and shift against him; so warm and meager and he wanted nothing more than to love her there and then.  
"Old habit's never die, I guess, but at the same time everythin' changes. Nothin' can ever stay the same."  
"I wish we could stay the same, August." His lip began to quiver and all of a sudden their roles became reversed and Noel was in August's arms, crying almost silently into her neck. He looked so small and innocent against her chest and August wasn't really sure of what to do. She had never seen him cry like he did then, muted yet brutal, breathless gasps over her flesh. She hadn't much experience of making people feel better, usually too consumed with her own problems to be of any use at all, so she tried to remember what Noel would do for her. August rocked back and forth with him, gently and slowly as she curled her fingers into his soft tresses. "It's okay," She assured him, tried to assure him, attempting to confirm the same to herself in a single shot. "I-I just want us to be the same again." He whispered thickly, nose blocked and voice broken. "Just you and me, laughin' and goin' on stupid, pointless adventures all summer." August thought he would stop, spare her heart from anymore brake, but he didn't. "We're changing, aren't we? We're changing and I'm losing you." She wanted to scream. She wanted to howl and cry and make him understand how he could never lose her. She wanted to yell from the roof tops and let the whole of London realize how deeply in love she had fallen with her childhood friend, but there was something stopping her, clogging her throat. Something which blocked her mind and forced her to remember that she could ruin everything with those three, simple little words. All she could do was hold his tear stained face and feel him shake, stare into his delicate, swollen eyes and tell him; "You'll never lose me, not ever. Not that easily anyway, ya' silly boy."

x

Five months later and August found herself staring into the depth of her glass of lemonade, wondering how she had ruined her life at such an early age. She was eighteen and she should have been enjoying herself. She should have been happy and drunk on her best friend's eighteenth birthday. She should have been celebrating with him, not sat alone whilst he socialized at the bar with people August could barely remember the name's of. She had been sober for a long time now, too long. She'd spent Christmas day; the anniversary of her sister's suicide, watching her mother drown her inhibitions in wine and August had wished that she could have done the same. She wasn't happy, she was bored. Not that she was any better off paralytic and passed out on her kitchen floor, but at least the drugs and alcohol took the sting away from her broken heart. She thought that by sorting her life out she'd make Noel happy which would therefor result in her own final joy, but although the giddy grin which grew wider on his face everyday never once failed to send her hormones into overdrive August still felt as if something was missing. A hole in her mind which a glass of lemonade simply could not fill.

Finishing the half empty pint of Cider she had found abandoned on the side of the bar was not a good idea, no matter how amazing it felt at the time. Five months of no liquor had starved her so the sour liquid collecting in the pits of August's stomach hit her almost immediately. One drink lead to another, and another and suddenly she'd finished five pints. She heard her voice but couldn't feel her lips move, couldn't feel anything. Her head was spinning and it was as if she were drowning in a sea of people as they pushed and jeered drunkenly around her, people who she didn't know, didn't even recognize. People twice her age, people leering and stroking her intoxicated flesh, people who reminded her of Damian and people who shouted and screamed uncontrollably who reminded her of her father. She was being swallowed alive in the busy pub and it was all too much, she needed more. August could hear herself asking the barman for another pint. He shook his head at her as she slurred and swayed and told her that she'd had enough already. She was about to shout at him, tell him to go and fuck himself because he couldn't tell her what to do but someone stopped her. She was being pulled away from the bar, dragged out of the pub and into the warm, early summer night time street.  
"What are you doing? What the fuck are you doing?" That someone was yelling at her, holding her arms with tight hands but she couldn't fathom who it was. She recognized their voice but her inebriated plight refused to let her understand who the blurry, blue eyed boy in front of her was. It was all so confusing and the whole world seemed to be revolving violently against her. Suddenly she was on her knees and spewing the contents of her stomach onto the pavement, crying and spluttering ungracefully as the acid stung her throat. "I'm sorry," She choked. "I'm sorry," The boy had stopped yelling now, instead he was holding her convulsing frame and muttering concerned words which she could not comprehend into her hair, his blue eyes bruised dark with tears.  
"I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry."


	11. The Enmity

**Gaaah I'm dragging this angst on a bit now! So I'm going to pull something new out soon in this fic, need to make it a tad more exciting. Thank you to everyone who has been reading so far xxx :) **

* * *

**The Enmity**

-Seven years previous, 15th June-

"I'm going to art college."  
"Ya' what?" August leaned against the cool wall outside of the pub, a glass of lemonade in one hand and a rapidly burning cigarette between her fingers in the other. It had become oppressively hot inside, the air tight and sticky. "Yea, I'm going to art college." Noel told her, chewing almost anxiously on his bottom lip. "I can't work in a bakery all my life now, so I went and showed 'em some of my art and they, well, they really liked it, so I'm off in October." August stared at him, not quite sure of how to react. "Where?"  
"Buckinghamshire, it's only across London, so I'll be around still, I will, it's not like I'm going to bloody Bristol or anything, is it, so I'll still-"  
"Oh, Noel," August flung her arms around his neck and clung to him as if her life depended on it. "I wouldn't care if you were going to fucking India, well, I would, of course, I'd miss you like hell, but I'd still be proud of you, I would." She felt him relax into her, pressing his lips lightly against her shoulder. "You'll be okay? I mean, when I'm gone, you'll be okay without me, right?"  
"I'll be fine." She replied. "Besides, as you said, you'll still be around, won't ya'?"  
"Always." He said quietly against her skin. "August, you will be okay though, honestly?" She pulled away slightly, studying his expression and she knew what he was insinuating. "Yes, honestly." She murmured, preferring to avoid the topic. "On ya' birthday, well, that was a massive mistake. It shouldn't 'ave happened, it really shouldn't and I'm sorry, I really am. I was fine before that night, I swear I was. I just got thinking and then I got over thinking and, well, everyone around me was pissed and, y'know, I just got a bit carried away. It won't happen again." He nodded but August knew that she could never be fully safe from his worry. "I'll be okay, Noel, I will." He finally grinned, perfectly crooked, and kissed her cheek. "I know, sorry darlin'." August smiled into the touch of his lips, wishing that they could be a permanent fixture on her body. The truth was that she _had_ been okay, just about, but now the thought of Noel leaving made her doubt that she'd be able to stay as strong. She was happy, so, so happy for him and the last thing she wanted was for him to fret over her. August was so stupidly proud of Noel that it practically shone from her face. At the same time the knowledge that he wouldn't be a five minute's walk away from her anymore made her want to cry. Knowing that he wouldn't be there everyday, forcing her to stay alive panicked her to the brink of tears. She was petrified.

-29th August-

It was as if her Mother had forgotten that she'd ever had an elder daughter, not that she gave much attention to her remaining child anyway. Perhaps it was just her way of coping, perhaps she didn't want to talk about Lily, perhaps it was too much for her to handle. August however could barely go a day without thinking of her sister. She could spend hours upon hours speculating how vile she must have felt to actually go through with killing herself. It was on one particular late summer's night when the last remaining morsels of her sanity broke. August was alone in her bedroom, running the build up to Lily's death over and over through her head; something which she had found herself growing grotesquely fascinated with. She wondered what the final straw must have been for her sister, what that last, ultimate little thought could have been, the push in her mind which made her reach for the shaving razor and press it to her wrist. August tortured herself with these ideas, rolling them through and through until they didn't even seem relevant to the subject anymore.

She had wished and pleaded to a god whom she did not believe in to see her sister again, just once more, one final chance to try and understand what happened to her, but when she did see Lily for the first time in over a year it was a time that she wished would be the last. The room was white, bright white. The kind of white August would imagine heaven to be, if she believed in religion. It was almost translucent and it made the black-red blood on the carpet look even more dirty and deep than it should have been. August looked around and realized that the blood was not only on the carpet but it was also on the white walls and in the white bed sheets, strewn and sprayed, thick and oozing. She saw Lily under the sheets, her eyes lifeless and her skin dead, grey and yellow. The blood was all over her as well. It was her blood and it smothered the razor in the grip of her stiff hand, crimson dry and crusted under her nails. She had butchered herself and August was reliving it. She screamed, shrill and piercingly earsplitting. She screamed and thrived yet she could not move; she was trapped. August screamed until she awoke, bolt upright and covered in a cold sweat. She stared down at her trembling hands, almost terrified to see her own blood there. It wasn't until then, as she pinched the thin skin around her arms to make sure that she was actually awake, did she truly realize that her brain was decaying into mesh. She was losing her mind.

"I'm goin' mad, Noel." She whispered through the telephone. "You're fine, August." Came is tired reply at half four in the morning, frustrated yet troubled by her sinister recollection of a nightmare. She repeated it to him over and again for an hour, the words 'blood' and 'death' coming the most frequent. "Listen, you sure you 'aven't taken anything?"  
"What? No!" She gasped, voice dry and cracked. "No, I told you, it came from nowhere. I must've fallen asleep and then this fuckin' dream, this horrible fuckin' dream comes out out nowhere. I don't know what to do." Noel sighed and rested his forehead against the wall, twisting the phone wire around his finger restlessly. "D'you want me to come over?"  
"No, I said no. It's okay, no, I just wanted-just wanted to talk you." She said frantically. "Just needed to talk to ya' Noel. I'm goin' mad, I'm goin' mad, Noel."  
"August, you're fine." He told her for the sixth time, maybe the seventh. He had to keep telling her that she was okay because it was better than scaring her even more by worrying. If he were to tell her the truth than it would probably send her into a nervous breakdown. To tell her that he seriously feared for her sanity over the phone where he couldn't protect her was not a suitable action, so he'd carry on pressing her with the same, soothing lies which he hoped would suffice until the daylight. "It's a'right," He told her again. "You're fine, you're fine."

-10th October-

August pressed her fingers against her window, making small prints in the condensation which sat there and gazed out into the autumn morning street, cold and thick with mist. She took a drag of her cigarette and let the tar filled smoke warm her insides, thinking about how she had watched him go. He'd gone. August had let her best friend drive away without another word after 'goodbye'. She never told him how she felt, she never could. Of course, he was only across London. As he told her back in June he would still be around, but August couldn't ruminate when exactly. Christmas time, she remembered him mentioning vaguely. He had gone to start a new life, more or less, without her. He'd probably find himself a new girlfriend by the time he came back. A pretty, funny, happy, _sane_ girl, then he'd never even want to know of how August loved him so.  
She was intangibly aware of her mother's presence somewhere behind her, viewing her with sad eyes as she filled her veins with nicotine. "You know I hate you smoking indoors." She had said.  
"I know, sorry mum." August sighed and opened the window, stubbing the butt out on the ledge.  
"I made you some tea." She continued. "Are you gonna' get dressed then? You need to see your doctor today." August was almost surprised by her mother's concern. It had only been a recent interest of her's, maybe she had finally decided to carry on as a parent again or maybe she was only baring attention because she had to. "I'm not goin'." August replied, numb, eyes still fixed on the view from her window. "You're not? What about Noel, he wanted you to see someone for your, for your problems." She narrowed her voice on the last word; frigid and somewhat cruel, August thought. "Noel's gone now mum, it don't matter. I'm fine."  
"Don't be so dramatic, August. He's only in Buckinhamshire, he'll be home before you know it." She said sharply. "Now will you just stop being so silly and get dressed!" She slammed the mug of tea down on August's desk, drawing her eyes from the window for the first time during their conversation. "I will not have another nutcase for a daughter, now will you just, please, pull yourself together, for Christ's sake!"  
She stared at the tea as the shock of her mother's outburst settled around her. She glared at it as if the spiteful words disputed by her mother had been produced by it. She grabbed the mug and flung it across the room with a furious shriek, imagining that the wall where it smashed had been her mother's face. She was so angry, so full of hate. This was what she had been left with.  
She'd heard in the past that one would find themselves after a traumatic experience, that they would pull through and in the end they would see the light, but all August could see now was pure, pitch black hatred. At nineteen years old all she could feel was raw, livid hate for everything, most of all herself. It was never going to leave her. She needed something to make it stop, something to make her numb.  
She needed a drink, she needed alcohol.


	12. The Brink

**The Brink**

-Six years previous, 21st December-

The Gin had gone, the Wine had gone and the Tequila had gone, so had the Cider and the Whisky. Christmas day hadn't even passed but August and her mother had still managed to consume all of the alcohol in their household, leaving nothing but half a bottle of Vodka. August watched the sleeping form of her mother on the couch; the smell of Tequila lingering faintly in the living room. She had become more like a friend than a parent. A misguiding, bad influence of a friend to say the least. Since Noel had left, August more or less turned into a recluse. The lonelier she became the yearn she held for Noel would heighten. August had fallen, hard, and the harder she fell the more liquor her mother provided. "Get this down ya'." She'd say, handing her a shot of Tequila. "One shot won't hurt, will it? You'll feel better for it, trust me." Before August knew it the bottle was empty and her mother had passed out, leaving her alone in the empty house.  
Slipping back into the armchair August closed her eyes, the sensation of spinning waves smashing against her eyelids. She laughed to herself, quietly, sickly, enjoying the guilty pleasure which surrounded the inside of her skull. Her tongue itched for more giddiness and her mind chafed for less ache. She stood, a little too quickly, and stumbled. She stumbled all the way to the kitchen and she searched with dazed eyes until she found the Vodka. The bottle felt cold from the freezer, sharp in temperature as well as taste when it hit her mouth. She swayed, her skin suddenly hot and clammy. It was warm inside, too warm. Her mother must have put the heating up in order to banish the bitter air which leaked in from behind the windows. She needed to get out, she needed to walk the London streets and feel free, smell the fumes and perhaps stop at the local bar and grab a few more drinks. It was suffocating and silent inside, deafening.

August wasn't sure of how she ended up at the train station. She didn't really know where she was exactly, West Croydon, maybe Norwood Junction. She must have been walking for ages, she couldn't remember how long. What she could remember was that people were laughing at her, men were leering at her and women were looking at her as if she were disgusting which, August knew, she was. Some people stopped to ask her if she was okay but she couldn't reply. She merely nodded and flashed them a drunken grin before staggering off into the night lit city.  
It was dark, the only means of light divulged from the platform itself. It was also empty, it must have been late.  
"Please stand well away from the platform edge, the train approaching is not due to stop at this station." A voice from nowhere suddenly boomed. August turned around, but she was alone. She knew that the voice from nowhere was a recorded warning, a message designed to play before a fast train came blasting through the station, fleet and heavy enough to surely destroy anything in its path. August stepped forward, her head spinning in ridiculous circles. She couldn't concentrate, couldn't think, couldn't even deduce why she was walking further and further towards the railway track; an obvious death trap. Something inside told her to, it seemed right. In that moment nothing felt more natural then to stand at the verge of that train platform, her sneakers halfway over the edge. Something told her, it whispered wickedly into the left side of her brain, and as her face became alight with a vivid brightness, her hair streaming behind her with a sudden cyclone, the train came thundering toward her, stopping for nothing in it's lethal way, it told her to jump.  
Then quick, agile hands sunk into her clothes, pulling her backwards, tearing her away from her disaster, hauling her back into reality. It wasn't a reality, however, not for her. She was on the ground, fighting and screaming for her release. Clawing at the arms of her rescue, demanding with high wails that they let her go under the train which rumbled fiercely by them, allowed her to slip away into her death. Her brain continued to swirl and her sight remained unfocused, but she knew that the tiny voice which had been muttering to her seconds before had turned into a roar, a savage, unforgiving command. A continuous repulsion of the truth which settled and stuck in her distorted mind.

"August, August, stop it!" Noel clung onto her jumper, her hands, her thighs, shoulders, any part of her that he could use to keep her from escaping. She struggled and thrived and pushed him away, but he didn't let go. He wouldn't, he couldn't. He refused to watch her destroy herself once and for all, even if it meant listening to her scream for hours. She screamed louder than anyone he had ever heard that night. To him, it felt like torture.  
"August, love, darlin', stop it." He managed to encase his arms around her, burying her face against his chest. "It's me, darlin', it's me. You're okay." She finally stopped, her yells dissolving like dead leaves into the night. The train passed and then they were desolate at last, left with nothing aside from August's muffled cries. She was drunk, positively paralytic, he could smell it on her skin. It broke his heart, but it didn't hurt as much as the knowledge that his sweetheart had attempted to die.  
"Noel," He heard her whimper. "Noel, you're home? You're back, oh fuck I can't do this anymore. I can't do it, I can't, oh god, it hurts-"  
"I know, love." He hushed her, twining his fingers around the back of her neck. "You're gonna' be okay, darlin', I'm gonna' make sure of it, a'right?" Noel swallowed the lump in his throat and inhaled the scent of her hair; too many cigarettes.  
He knew what he had to do. What he had to do was not in any way what he wanted to do, but he had to do it. It was all for the best, unavoidably.

-Present day-

You can't save someone from themselves. Sometimes, it gets to a point where a person is so broken, so warped, that they're their own worse enemy, they'll destroy themselves in the end. That night I realized that August was beyond my help. I tried, I honestly did, but there was nothin' more I could for her, I guess. I knew what I 'ad to do. It ripped my heart up, it really did, but it 'ad to be done. Either that or I watched her die, simple. I'd never let her die, not ever. It'd be a waste of a girl if I did.  
I knew what I had to do.

-22nd December-

"I was drivin' back from uni-"  
"Where from?"  
"I told ya' before, Buckinghamshire, I was meant to come back on Friday, I'm early and, and I was gonna' go and see her, I wanted to surprise her, she's my best mate, ya' see." Noel explained for what felt like the twentieth time. "I didn't decide to go back early until late-"  
"What time?"  
"I've already said, around nine, maybe half nine, I can't remember! I got a bit distracted when I saw my friend about to fuckin' top herself, a'right?" Noel snapped at the police officer who stood before him, her crimson lips pursed even tighter than Noel thought was possible as she scribbled something down in her notepad. "Sorry, Mr. Fielding-"  
"You can call me Noel."  
"Mr. Fielding-" She continued sternly. "So, at what point did you see Miss. Valentine?" Noel sighed, defeated, and rested back against the metal chair. "I saw her when I drove past the station; Norwood Junction. She looked drunk so I parked my car and followed her and then, well, then I saw her at the platform, she was fallin' all over the place and this train was speedin' down the track so I-I just grabbed her and she was screamin' and yea, that was when I called the ambulance."  
"Okay," She pursed her lips again, scribbling yet more notes onto her paper. "Is Miss. Valentine frequently drunk?"  
"I told you, yes."  
"Would you say she's addicted?" Noel paused and bit his lip. August's safety was in his hands now, he had to tell the officer the truth even if it meant August would hate him for it. "Yea, yea she is." He muttered, toying with the hem of his shirt.  
"Would you say, Mr. Fielding, that Miss. Valentine is suicidal?" He stared up at her with exhausted eyes; cold and weak after a winter's night spent between August's desperate grip and the psychiatric ward hallway, watched as her lips pursed even more so and her grey eyes narrowed to slits. They questioned him, silently, digging deep into his drained mind for answers that he wasn't even sure of.  
"I dunno'." He murmured. It was honest, he didn't know, or perhaps he simply refused to let himself believe that the sweet, innocent little girl he grew up with had evolved into an overdrive of corruption. "She told me that she couldn't do 'it' anymore. She said 'it' hurt. I'm not really sure what she meant, not really."  
"Thank you, Mr. Fielding." With that, she left, finally. She left Noel alone in the hospital corridor, left him with the uncertainty of his best friend's fate, awaiting the issue of his dear August.


End file.
